Chain of Frustrations

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! (NOT A PIRATE VOICE)

I am so very frustrated right now. (My single friends...I sympathize with you now).

My car needs work.
I can't work or go anywhere important without a car (work, church, grocery store, clothes shopping).
To get work done on your car, you need to have your registration card, which I have lost (first time ever).
To request a duplicate registration card, you need to fill out a paper application and mail it in with a check to the DMV. You'd think they would make this an online transaction, but NO.

I don't have a working printer to print said application because we haven't hooked the new one up yet.
My appt. is Monday at 8 a.m. at the car place. A paper application will take awhile to be processed and returned. In the meantime, no card, no work on your car, no go to work, no grocery shopping, no food.

It couldn't be as simple as requesting a duplicate online!!!! They don't even let you do that! I wouldn't care so much if Jeff were home to hook up the new printer, and I could have his car to get places.
I'm feeling very passionate right now. Can you tell?

I'm thinking of that country song, "Sounds Like Life to Me" by Darryl Worely

I'll just share the choruses with you.

"(Chorus)

Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

(Chorus)

Sounds like life to me plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life
Man I know its tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
Sounds like life to me
Sounds like life."

It's life and in the meantime, you gotta suck it up and deal. But how do you "deal" when you can't pay your bills unless you're working. Why must we be chained to our cars?

Going to Seed...

When two people join together in holy matrimony, inevitably some parts of their personalities learn to ride back seat to others as they try and live in harmony with eachother. These parts are a piece of their individual egos. Those sunken personality traits tend to resurface for air when the couple is apart for extended periods of time. If one partner passes away, the change becomes more permanent.

I've seen it happen to grandparents in the later situation and to myself in the former, whenever hubby is away from home. I become like my old self; a spark of who I used to be when I was single. Sometimes I miss those parts of my personality and it's good to remember what it felt like to live the single life and to not have to care about how your actions affect the life of your spouse. It feels good to be able to be selfish every once in awhile.

On weekends when my husband and I are apart, It's like a slow awakening to a reunion with an old friend. I feel like I miss the old me; the one that felt more alive, was more vivacious and spontaneous. I also cared more about how I looked, the clothes I wore, and my overall appearance.

We don't all go to seed when we get married, but some of us do, and I kinda feel like I've let myself go, physically, emotionally, confidence-wise. Hear that? It's the world's smallest violin...playing a sad song for me. OK, it's over now. :)

Old Faces, New Places

It's pretty nice to be liked by your students; to see their faces light up with recognition and loudly whisper to one another..."Mrs. Schoonover's here!" like you were a celebrity or Santa Claus.

This afternoon I had the opportunity to sub a half-day in my old stomping grounds; the building where I did my substitute teaching. In fact, I was in the classroom across the hall from where I taught the 4th grade. Today, my students were fifth graders and I have to say, fifth grade was enjoyable.

Not only was I pumped to sub in a classroom where I knew I would run into some of my old students, but I was also subbing for a teacher whom I admire and aspire to emulate; someone who has attained a level of teaching greatness I endeavor to achieve. Mrs. "M" is one, savvy lady.

This woman knows her shizzle and she had an awesome group of students. As a sub, walking into a well-managed classroom is like a soothing balm to the soul. You know within the first five minutes in a classroom what your day will be like and this woman's classroom was balmalicious. Organized materials, left a nice, clear lesson plan, helpful kids, and established routines. Fabuloso!

To say I had a great afternoon would be an understatement. These kids were wonderful to teach. It just ROCKS to have a good day!

Barren Grief

Whatdoyasay when people innocently inquire, "When are you going to have kids?"
And you want to, but you can't?

Maybe someday.

Whatdoyoudo when you're still waiting to be able to tell people you're the one who is pregnant,
And every other woman you are close to has already said it,
at least once
And they're younger than you?

It's just not our turn, again.

How much longer do you try and wait before you give up hope and admit your own barrenness?

This is never going to happen for us.

How can you look your husband in the eye,
Knowing you can never give him children?

What's wrong with me?

What's it like to feel like you're excluded from the Mommy club, or that you can't participate in a conversation about your kids when it's the dominant topic of conversation at most social gatherings for women your age?

I sit there silently, trying to smile and contribute something. Anything!

I crawl inside myself and hide there behind a smile. Don't ask me how I'm doing because I'll tell you what you want to hear, not what I'm dying to scream at you. Waves of grief wash over me and recede.

I wish I didn't want this so badly, then disappointment couldn't cut my heart so deeply.

6th vs. 8th Grade Language Arts

I had a half day in a sixth grade language arts class yesterday (Wed.) and enjoyed it. Today I had a half day of 8th grade language arts and it was a different experience. I have discovered that 8th graders can't be allowed to work in groups, at least until you know them better and know who they can and can't work with and still stay quiet and productive. Individual work time is best!

I got the call around 9:30 a.m. at that I was needed at 11:20 a.m. I got to the school early and they seemed excited to see me in the office, I soon learned it was because my class started at 11:05 a.m. and they wouldn't have to get coverage for me.I was literally walking up to the classroom, many of the kids were already inside and there was an adult there with them that kept them occupied while I scrambled (in a calm authoritative manner) to find and read the lesson plans.

After the first class I knew what to do, and more important, what not to do. The second class went more smoothly than the last and then we had the third class with quite a few challenging students in it. Most of them stayed for a study hall period called "Trail" which got rowdy. It would have been good to know in advance that they weren't supposed to work in groups for Trail, only in pairs. I didn't know this until the end of the day, when I finally had time to read the rest of the instructions to the sub. It was a "wing it" kind of day.

PM homeroom followed and the students were at the end of their ropes as I was at the end of mine. Is it OK to crawl into a little ball and chant, "there's no place like home" repeatedly, when you're the adult?

There were no bells to signal the beginning or end of class. THAT was annoying.

Tomorrow is another day, this one will last all day instead of a "half" day. I'll be teaching science, which should be fun, but I don't know the grade level or anything else for that matter. It's the "not knowing" part that is so difficult. I almost think I could handle teaching middle school students if I had my own class where I could set up my own rules and procedures.

Into the unknown once again, on the morrow!