Orion's Contemplation

Poop on a Porch

2011-10-11T15:29:00.001-04:00

It's days later and the drama that played out on my porch with that little dove is a memory, and all I have to show for it is one downey feather in the flower bed, and teeny, tiny piles of birdy doo on my steps. Fortunately, the spiritual lessons of my natural encounter linger, long after the birds have flown.

I wonder if there were any sophisticated thoughts in that little birdie's head when he was waiting on the porch steps, waiting for his mother. I tend to personify and have to assume there was emotion; fear, anxiety maybe. Perhaps nothing. I, as a woman, tend to attribute emotions and see intent in my husbands words, or silence that, admittedly misses the mark, entirely.

Sometimes I even miss by a mile or two. We're talking the arrow missing the target completely, and skewering the guy in charge of the archery range, bad. I know, I KNOW! It's hard to believe. ME, misinterpreting my husband's thoughts, words and actions.

Take this little scenario, which actually happened. I had the girls, at the end of a very long day, and they were fussing in their respective jumperoo and exersaucer while I was trying to make dinner. At this time of day, I tend to do a juggling act worthy of a circus performer. I try and keep the kids from totally melting down, and also attempt to put something healthy and delicious in the oven that we can eat later at night after the girls are in bed.

I see through the living room window that my husband has pulled up to the curb in front of the house. He is chatting on his hands-free device, I assume with a friend or somebody from work, for work purposes. I tell the girls "Yay!!!! Daddy's home!" I think to myself. "Thank you Lord! Relief." He'll be right in, he'll entertain the girls and stop them from crying, while I finish preparing dinner. The girls had been whining and fussing, and now crying for about an hour. It's too close to bedtime to let them nap. I clench my jaw and keep working on dinner, with greater fervor. Jeff does not appear.

It's approaching 6:25 pm. And that's when I start living in the flesh. I am stewing in my own juices. Where IS he? I look through the window and he's still chatting in the car. He's smiling...while I slave away in the kitchen, making HIS dinner, to the song of the twin sirens. I go out on the porch and attempt to catch his eye with my glare that says, "Come ON! What are you DOING?" It's been a half-hour! How can that call possibly more important than your family? More important than getting in here and doing your JOB (aka meeting your wife's expectations). He waves briefly, dismissively, and keeps on talking. I go back inside to steam.

Long story short. We had "loud fellowship" over him being late and coming in at the last possible minute before bedtime. He was talking to a friend and business associate about a sales opportunity in said friend's business, and a potential side job for my husband. Jeff was concentrating on providing for his family, so was I, just in different ways. We were seeing the situation from two different ways, but striving towards the same goal: being there for our children, just like that mama bird.

Baby Dove

2011-09-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

God spoke to me today, via the inaugural flight lesson of a baby dove. I was coming back from a playdate, a carseat in each hand, approaching the porch and there she was, so small and helpless, a baby dove, sitting on a step. She looked so forlorn and out of place. She had pooped a couple of times in fear, and was trying to make herself very small as I stopped and stared.

I have learned that parents don't ever let their babies stray far from their watchful eyes, so I looked up, hoping to find her mother, and there she was, strained neck and wide-eyed, looking down at me. She must have been wondering how her baby was doing, knowing that I was walking towards her position, and wondering if I had seen her and what I would do when I saw her there. The front porch roof was obscurring her view. I decided to walk around to the back door and see if mommy would join her baby on the step.

I came back out and mommy had moved down to the second floor, but she was still keeping her distance. I looked at her baby, and she was just sitting there, waiting for help to come. She didn't know what else to do, so she hunkered down and was waiting for her mother to come, because that's what moms do. That's what her mother had done as long as this little bird had been alive. Mommy would come.

I started to doubt that this was a baby, and imagined it was the other bird's injured mate. I approached the bird on the step, hoping to see it move around to know it wasn't injured and it got up and walked a few nervous steps. Backing away, I relied on past nature lessons and left the baby alone, because this WAS a baby, knowing that was the only chance it had for the parent to return to it. If I intervened, it would only end badly.

I called my husband and asked him to come in the back door this evening, informing him about the wildlife drama unfolding on our front steps. He chuckled quietly and agreed to duck in the back door. He was the sole witness to the exciting conclusion.

When Jeff got home, he saw the mother bird and her baby on the step. The baby was pecking at the mother around the face, looking for some food or affection.

Later on, before I knew he had seen them reunited, I checked to see if our front step was still occupied and mother and baby had gone. Nature had taken it's course, without any help from me.

Looking for some spiritual signficance in these moments of time between a mother and her baby, and a human and nature, I contemplated God's omnicient care of his creation. Why is it that we assume we know better than the God of the universe, or that we may dare to tell him what's best for our lives? Our job is wait and to marvel at what unfolds before our marvelling eyes.

For Their Future

2011-09-15T09:59:00.001-04:00

I was holding my daughter Shannon this morning and wondering what she will do when she grows up. I'm hoping that she and her sister Rory will do better than their mom and dad. I pray they aren't saddled with debt, that they have successful jobs and that they have Christlike hearts. I want my girls to walk with the Lord, and know that he holds them in his hands.

Optimism v. Pessimism

2011-09-07T09:40:00.002-04:00

Optimism (O): Only one twin has a cold.
Pessimism (P): So far! It's only a matter of time before the other one gets it too.

O: One twin is napping peacefully.
P: Emphasis on ONE. The other one is still awake which means no nap for Mommy. You KNOW we'll have to go up there at least once after they're both finally up there.

P: I can't remember the last time I went #2. I probably can't remember because I'm so sleep deprived.
5 minutes later
O: You just went to the bathroom, and as an added bonus, you weren't even constipated.
P: Shut up.

For all you Back to School Shoppers!

2011-08-07T09:40:00.000-04:00

Back to School Price Comparison for the Week of July 31

Back to school prices and coupons (at the bottom of the list)

Bumbo Seat

2011-07-01T13:17:00.001-04:00

Here we go! The Bumbo baby seat. They each sat in it for a few brief minutes before their necks tired and they wanted to do something else, but it's a start. My bobble-headed babies are getting control of their necks!

I have several friends and family members whose kids have enjoyed their Bumbos. I read up on them and it seems that the biggest complaint/worry, other than having them tip over with active babies in them, is that the leg openings are too small for chubby-legged babies. I'm borrowing a friend's Bumbo. I don't think I would pay for one myself. Perhaps it's because I haven't had time to enjoy or respect it's full value. Only time will tell! What's your experience with the Bumbo?

Girlie Milestones and Cloth Diapering

2011-06-23T17:08:00.000-04:00

The girls are growing up! We knew they would. That's what babies do. They're already smiling! Last week they found their voices and have been squealing in delight and even taking a few short laughs, putting their hands together. This week they have both become more adept at reaching for objects including my hair (ouch!), eachothers hands, my ear plugs, and their binkies. They are also enjoying playing with the toys on their playmats.

Alongside the twins, I have been becoming more comfortable with cloth diapering. With my BumGenious 4.0s, my Fuzzibunz and my generic dipes (that I can't remember the name of but I got as a present at my baby shower) from my girl Kallie B., (the dame who got me into cloth diapering in the first place), I am now on my way to a greener existence as a mom. I have a system! I forget how big my stash is, I expect it's around 60 diapers.

In case you non-cloth diaper moms are wondering, I do a rinse in cold water in my machine, then do a hot/cold wash with Rockin Green detergent with a double rinse. Then I throw everything into my dryer and tumble dry on low. I'm going to bring my drying rack upstairs so I can put my cleaned poopy dipes in the sun to bleach them (I understand from different blogs that this works quite handily). Oh, and just in case you were wondering...I put disposable liners in my dipes so I can remove the majority of a poop and throw it away, preventing massive poopage in the girls' dipes. Let me tell yah, I can't wait until they are large enough to have formed stools instead of liquid poo.

Let's talk diaper pails. I have three diaper pails downstairs, and one upstairs in the nursery for overnight changes. The first downstairs pail (in my dining room turned baby central) is my older model, Diaper Champ for disposable things like wipes or dirty liners or the occasional (shhhhh, don't tell......) disposable diaper. (This is an exact replica of the pail I keep upstairs for overnight changes. It holds all things disposable.) The second baby central pail is my cloth diaper pail by Diaper Decor, and it holds pee-pee diapers. I purchased two, reusable/washable liners from Kissaluvs that have this cute little cloth tab inside that you can douse with essential oil so that it helps keep odors away.

I know what you're thinking. If we have a place for number one, there must be a place for number two. When I change a poopy dipe, it goes into my third pail, which is an old bucket from a discount store with a handle on it. It's portable so I can take it down to the utility sink to thoroughly rinse poopy dipes in cold water. Then I wring them out and hang them over the side until after the girls are in bed, when I throw a load of dipes in the washing machine. I have just started researching cloth wipes and home-made spray so that I can do away with disposable wipes.

Now with my snap pliers via KamSnaps.com from my SIL Ru, I can snap the inserts to the cloth diapers and wash them together, keeping them together so that I don't have to pair them up everytime I do laundry. Now all I have to do is stuff the diapers. Yay! Timesaver. I just LOVE timesaving devices, don't you? Note: I haven't acutally attempted to use the snapper device yet. I plan on watching the YouTube video to try and figure it out.

And now duty calls...the twins are crying for their supper.

Nap When Ye May

2011-05-27T09:11:00.002-04:00

One of the greatest bits of advice I've been given post-partum is to nap when the babies nap. It's very difficult to retrain your sleep habits around the ever changing sleep habits of your twin, infant girls, and they seldom nap at the same time. If I can get one asleep in her crib and the other in her swing, I'm doing well. But when I do get both to nap at the same time, all I can think about is what I want to get done that day or I want to check Facebook, or my blog.

There are always bottles to wash and sterilize, or another load of laundry to be thrown into the washer, but there isn't always another time to nap. Carpe napum if you will. Seize the nap. Don't mind if I do.

Postpartum Funk

2011-05-20T23:43:00.000-04:00

I don't have anything to be sad about really. Compared to other people, I have it good. My babies are good. Then why do I feel so bad? Everything is relative.

I'm tempted to lose perspective when my whole world is babies, diapers, bottles, laundry and dishes, crying babies, RINSE, REPEAT. If I didn't have friends on the outside and a husband that loves me, I'd be off my rocker.

Why do we get the "baby blues"? I'll tell you why...

Because your body misses sleeping
Because you miss having time to yourself
Because you don't leave the house or see the light of day except through a window
Because you just spent a half hour trying to get your baby to sleep and with one little noise, she woke up again and you have to do a "reset" on her and start from square one and she's too young to sleep train, and you need to hold her even though you really want to sleep...remember sleep?
Because you just changed your baby and got her buttoned back up in her sleeper (matching the right buttons in the dark) and she fills her diaper AGAIN.
Because you get pooped/peed on before you got the third diaper on. Yup, it's a three dipe change, and a clothes change for you.
Because you miss being clean.
Because you're tired of wearing spit up for fragrance and using Desitin as a hand cream.
Did I mention, because you miss sleep?
Because your breast milk is drying up because you are too tired to adequately produce or eat properly, and all your baby wants is breast milk...in fact, she scoffs at the bottle with disdain...
Because you miss caffeine and eating things that make the baby gassy if they get into your breastmilk.
Because you miss wearing your old clothes and feeling thin and peppy because you were 40 lbs thinner and had more energy.
Because of hemroids.
Because you look in the mirror at your new post partum body and dislike your swollen saggy boobs, stretch marks, and sagging belly. You still have cellulite, you just have more of it, oh, and you can't forget the back rolls. They're yummy.
Because the last thing on your mind is sex and your poor spouse is starved for it.
Because you miss the old you and are having trouble embracing the new you and don't know what to do.
Because trial and error as a new mommy is at times, heartbreaking and rough. (I didn't mean to gag you with that nipple, or bounce your head off the door window because you have a giant bobble head.)

It's a huge life change. If you have a friend that just had a baby and you remember how rough it was...give them a break.

Offer to babysitt
Call them
Send them flowers or a card
Bring them chocolate or something from Dairy Queen
Offer to come over and sit with them and then do it
Pray with them
Let them comiserate with you

In the Twin Trenches, Live from the Kingdom of New Mommidom

2011-04-14T11:20:00.000-04:00

I'm back from obscurity, on a mini-hiatus. I've found some time to blog. I'll have to add details at a later date, but I survived my csection and minor, following complications, and the girls are three weeks old today. My husband is back at work this morning, for the first time and I survived my first feeding alone, when both girls were crying for diaper changes and food. Twins are going to make me one tough mother...just think of all the things at a teaching interview as a result of being a twin mommy.

Time management
Adversity
Classroom management
Lesson planning
Discipline

You name it! Babies and experiential learning...the best teachers ever! ;)

Do youself a favor...if you ever find yourself pregnant with twins, line up help, early and often! Get your church family hospitality meal coordinator to bring you meals. Tell that person what you would like to eat and if you have any diet restrictions for yourself, your mate, or your colliky baby (ies). Write it on your calendar when people are bringing you things.

Freeze meals in advance, if you can. It helps to have backup meals on hand, in case you don't have meal coverage for a night. We have been fortunate, and almost EVERY SINGLE NIGHT we have had a meal and leftovers to hold us over for the next day. Yay Kallie B.!

Take people up on it when they:
1. volunteer to shop for you or pick up something from the grocery store. (Katya, Kallie, Greg!)
2. offer to come hold your baby (ies) while you rest, take a shower, do other chores. (Jen K.)
3. want to clean, or do laundry for you. (Cari, Mama)
4. are experienced nannies/awesome friends who will spend the night and take the night shift so you and your hubby can SLEEP for more than 2 or three hours at a time. (Yay Christi A.!)
Rest when the babies are sleeping. It's a temptation to clean when they are resting...and sometimes, you just need to wash those bottles, wolf that meal down, or throw in that load of laundry, but try and rest too. It feels heavenly to get off your swollen feet and prop up your cankles (or your thankles, depending on how bad the swelling is). You need your rest, especially if you are breastfeeding.

Drink plenty of water and make time to pump. I'm still working on this bit of advice myself. "Hydrate or die" my dad still says. He's right! I get lightheaded when I forget to drink enough. The twins are boobie monsters. Little milk vampires, which translates into water hogs :) You must drink, so you can be the mommy milk bar. Even if you're not breastfeeding, you'll need the water to keep up with them.

Being a new momma is rough. I'm not gonna lie and say I've got it all under control, because I don't. We're pretty much like Comcast..On Demand. A schedule will come with time, at least, that's what I'm told.

A "George Stanley Banks" Moment

2011-02-20T21:52:00.009-05:00

Perhaps I just needed a nap. Perhaps it's just the third trimester angst or the "nesting instinct" kicking into overdrive... whatever the reason, I had an interal Hot Dog/Hot Dog Buns George Stanley Banks moment this evening. Fortunately, it was after my dear husband escaped to play Magic cards again with his friends until the wee hours of the morning. I get the distinct feeling I am being purposefully avoided...

Some friends say...let him have fun! I say, if there is stuff that isn't done around the house that needs to be done, things I cannot or should not be doing by myself, then he needs to take care of business BEFORE going out to do fun things: i.e. cat litter boxes and mounds of garbage in my kitchen. Why the freak out, you ask? First, I'm finding that if I want ANYTHING to get done around here on my schedule, I just have to do it myself. And second, I'm tired of asking and getting other people's opinions about things. I have definite ideas of what I want in the nursery, but again, I'm settling because we don't have any money. I'm saving our gift cards for necessities instead of wants and it's killing me. I'm so tired of having to be practical. Unfortunately, that is where we are in life. Everything is not matching in my nursery. I like matching, or at least coordinating. We don't have everything we need yet. I plan on taking care of that myself tomorrow.

I don't know how to wash/use the cloth diapers I was given at my shower.

I haven't had a haircut/highlight in forever and my hair is long and shapeless.

And I have a RASH all over my body.

Normally I can quell this me-centric attitude with a mini-sermon about being thankful and content with what I have, or about patience, or something said to the effect that it's not all about me, but right now...it freaking IS. There I said it. :)

Under Pressure....

2011-02-09T20:04:00.000-05:00

I thought this link to the Queen/Bowie song Under Pressure is only appropriate to post when I think about the sensation of a bowling ball getting ready to drop from between my legs....seriously. I've got at least 9 lbs. of baby in there. I am thankful for a competent cervix. I shiver to imagine if mine was stupid.

I've made a discovery... the twins like David Bowie. Lot's of activity with Bowie, oh, and Billy Idol...they enjoy White Wedding. Good old YouTube.

Cankles of Unusual Size DO Exist...

2011-02-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

When I find my camera, which is probably buried in the pile of baby shower paraphenalia in the dining room, I will have to take you a picture...a picture of my cankles of unusual size. Yes...they DO exist, much like those giant rodents in the Fire Swamp from The Princess Bride.

Pricking mine canckles (or thankles depending on the severity of the swelling) with a sword has done nothing for their unsightly appearance. Elevating my feet, watching my salt intake, and drinking plenty of water does help, but I am predicting that soon, not much short of delivery will alleviate the swollen voluptuousness of my lower appendages.

Pregnancy can do funny things to a woman's body.It can stretch mark you, shrink some body parts, make others grow to unusual size, and even turn your day into night. It does this to prepare you for the demands the little package you will labor to bring into this world will make on you. You can look at that baby and say, "Child, you have worn me OUT! But I would do it all again, just to hold you in my arms and call you mine."

It's Been Far Too Long...

2011-02-01T10:53:00.004-05:00

In my hiatus as a pregnant blogger, I've been away getting ultrasounds and getting fatter, getting baby showered, and getting more and more bloated. That about sums it up.... Oh, and I've been on message boards on a popular baby website run by Johnson and Johnson.My giant baby shower was this past weekend and it was amazing. I'm not just using that word, and I do know what it truly means. I have some awesome friends and family and they know how put on a party, complete with decor, delicious food, fun games, a gorgeous cake and of course, lovely gifts and thoughtful cards. We're gonna be good to go for awhile as the girls arrive.

My most hopeful thoughts (after those of a safe delivery) are that I will be able to rely on these same women for helpful advice and listening ears not to mention aide and relief when I find myself at my wits end as a new mommy...especially if I have a c-section delivery. Girls...give me your shout outs now and I will start signing you up for assistance and the occasional meal.

I do want to stock that freezer, wash all those cute clothes, and finish cleaning, all in time for the wee folk to arrive. I say that tongue and cheek, but they COULD be born on March 17th. There are apparently several different days in March when it would be fortuitous for the girls to make their debut: Dad, MIL, friends and family members have March birthdays. I hope the girls bake as long as they need to in my oven before the timer goes off.

Wednesday, tomorrow in fact, is our next ultrasound. We'll get to see how big they are getting and what position they are in. Thursday will be my next OBGYN appt. I'll get to ask them about support stockings for my legs. Dang. The last two days, I have had RIDICULOUS swelling in my ankles. I had to tell my principal yesterday that I was giving two weeks instead of the 5 weeks notice I had previously offered. It's getting to be time to get off my feet and focus on being healthy and wise.

Odd Tidbits of 411 and Other Nonsense

2011-01-07T18:36:00.000-05:00

Today is the day when I can no longer zip up the front of my coat while wearing a sweater, even if I do try and suck in my stomach. No, "can do." On the plus side (no pun intended), I now have a nice shelf-like ledge on which to rest my plate of cheese and Triscuits during my afternoon snack. Every cloud has it's silver lining.

Last night I got my Rhogam shot last night at 6pm. Gave me a little bit of a headache...listed as a temporary side effect. I had it for the evening.

Labor and delivery classes start Thursday the 13th. I have to call the hospital to schedule a tour of their labor and delivery ward. That should be fun!

Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry

2010-12-22T20:18:00.000-05:00

Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry

Trying to Feel Peaceful and Not Succeeding

2010-12-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

Why is it, that when I'm supposed to feel peace, I feel turmoil? Is it the lack of sleep, the blessed weight of pregnancy, or the stress of not knowing what the financial future holds? Perhaps it is a combination of factors. Another life transition knocks at my door and even if I'm not ready, it's coming into my life at it's due time.

We're wondering how we're going to make ends meet, and pay all our bills when I'm home with the twins and still don't have a teaching job. I'm wondering how my delivery is going to go and dreading it, while at the same time looking forward to seeing our long awaited bundles of joy....

How will it all come together? I know that time marches on and circumstances will all crash together, I'm just wondering what condition our lives will be in, after it all hits the fan. (I enjoy mixing my metaphors.)Will we still be in our house? Will I ever find a teaching job? How will we pay for my special education classes I need to finish my special ed. certificate in order to get a teaching job? (I have found that you need to be certified in order to even be considered now!)

I want to know it's going to be OK. I want to know that we'll be able to stay in our home and raise our babies, and that I'll get a teaching job, or that my husband will get a magical promotion at work and we won't have to worry about money.

There are no guarantees in this life. That's part of what makes it so worrisome and yet, so adventurous.

Thar She Blows!!!!

2010-12-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

While I do not find myself identifying closely with Captain Ahab, I do myself akin to Moby Dick, if for no other reason than I feel like I have the potential to want to attack ships and to bite the leg off a a cantankerous sea dog. For those reasons and many, I continue to want to eat lot's of calories, though I am careful to not eat too closely to bedtime to avoid the dreaded heartburn.

At 24 plus weeks, my belly is now 45 inches around...that's if you take a tape measure and wrap it around my back and cross matching ends at my navel. There you have it...a whale of a belly, as yet to reach legendary proportions. I remember that I have about 15 weeks to go, and that's if I am delivered at 40 weeks. Perchance I may deliver early...I'd say 36-37 weeks would be safe.

I am happy to report that the twins hearts are is great condition, no hint of the pin hole the perinatologist thought he might have glimpsed on the ultrasound for Baby B at my last appointment. The caridologist I was referred to pronounced both girls, A-OK, to the great relief of their parents. Daddy and Mommy are happy about that!

So that's what I'm contemplating these days: the round expanse that is my ever-increasing girth and growing offspring, and the fact that someday soon, we will get to meet them.

123 Days and Counting!

2010-11-28T22:26:00.000-05:00

I have 123 days left until my due date, and while I know that most women don't have their babies on their actual due date, I can't help but smile and think that somewhere close to that time frame, I'll get to meet my babies for the first time. Wow. Mind-blowing stuff. The stuff that dreams are made of.

So many thoughts are going through my head these last few days, among them: thankfulness over the holiday, missing my Grammy that passed a year ago this time of year (a few days after Thanksgiving), missing my husband who has gone hunting and thinking about preparing for my babies.

Shaping Your Child's Gender Identity

2010-11-04T19:02:00.001-04:00

I'm sure there are many things written about appropriately shaping the gender identity of your child as an evangelical parent. In today's day and age of permissive parenting, that parenting role, that aspect of training of a child has taken a back seat and children are now encouraged to explore their own identities, unstifled by traditional roles and values. If you try and guide your child's gender identity, you may be seen as intolerant or hateful, or homophobic. Why not let them decide? Does it really matter at the age of five if a child goes to a school Halloween party dressed as Daphne from the Scooby Doo cartoon? Does it matter if we let our daughter's go as Batman, or let both dress up in boy and girl clothes from the dress up trunk? When is it appropriate to step in and guide children towards godly, biblical gender roles? You can guess what the world would say, but what is the godly thing to do?

I recently read a rant by a pre-school mom who is a popular blogger. She let her five-year-old son go as Daphne to his christian pre-school costume party and was surprised by the intolerance and wide-eyed looks from some of the moms. Really? You were shocked and surprised that evangelical christians, of a traditional mindset found your permissive yet supportive and unconditional parenting questionable?

Polling all adults: Would you let your kid dress up in a Halloween costume (or dress up costume) of a different gender from your child's and send them to school? Would you ever try and shape the choices of your child with regard to gender role?

I was not surprised on a liberal website like this to find a lot of liberally minded readers who chimed in with how proud they were of her as a mom for defending her child's choice, and his self-expression and how intolerant those so-called christian moms were of her son and shame on them, blah, blah, blah. First of all, he's five, I get it. Kids are still experimenting with gender roles. I've heard the arguments that supposedly support a child's choice and that "he might really be gay", "he's raised by mostly women" or "has lot's of sisters" or "he's just different than the rest of his brothers" etc. Whatever the excuse is, when is it right to step in and try and guide our children's choices in this area? Some would argue, his choice is not hurting anyone, it's part of who he/she is, and it's not for adults to interfere, only to support. What do you think?

"Trick or Treat"

2010-10-31T22:04:00.000-04:00

Halloween is always....an interesting holiday. This year we actually got some trick-or-treaters and I think that our new neighbors' holiday display had something to do with it! Their porch was lit up with all kinds of fun decorations...silvery skeletons, candles and skulls, pumpkins and spooky noises. She was out on the porch to welcome the kids and hand out some cute little bags of goodies she had made up.

Kids of all ages were out to enjoy the night. The really little ones were adorable. There was one little tot dressed as a lion, complete with shaggy mane and bushy tail. He had to have been 3 at the most. Polite teenagers carried pillowcases full of candy. Nearly everyone was in costume and no one was rude. We only had one, elementary school-aged grabber who took three tootsie pops. Most kids took one and said, "Thank you!" All of the kids were fun to see! The trick-or-treaters are always my favorite part, but the entertainment didn't stop there.

There were some horribly, goofy horror movies on TV. We're talking the ones from the 80's: predictable zombie horror movies with the extraneous sidekick extras that have no contribution to the plot of the movie save for serving as comedic fodder when they get eaten by fantasticaly, slimey hordes of the undead.

For dinner, I burned grilled cheese sandwiches and over-baked some chocolate chip cookies. That's what happens when I get distracted while I'm cooking, even with a kitchen timer. Sigh. Oh well! There's always leftover Halloween candy. Bring on the Tootsie Pops!

It's Why Doctors "Practice" Medicine

2010-10-23T21:18:00.001-04:00

They think my rash is PUPPP, but they're not sure. I guess that's why they call it medical "practice". Hey, the human body can do some amazing things! Weird pregnancy rashes is one of my many talents. I'm also proficient at round ligament pain on my left side.

PUPPP usually starts in stretch marks on your sides, but my rash started on my thighs and then spread everywhere else. It reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaally likes the tops of my thighs though. The rash and my thighs are new BFF's. I wish I could break them up. Unfortunately, I think this marriage of rash and skin will last at least until after delivery, possibly until I am done breastfeeding.

I got my flu shot yesterday, in my dominant arm. Now it feels like somebody gave my right arm a knuckle sandwich. Today, after getting quite a bit of walking exercise and taking some generic benedryl I am ready for bed...after I finish watching Battlestar Gallactica on the retro TV station. I am so sleepy. Goodnight.

Movement!

2010-10-18T19:00:00.000-04:00

16 weeks, 2 days. Felt the babies moving around after drinking a Starbucks salted caramel hot chocolate. So cool!!! Tonight I met a new doctor when I went for my monthly OBGYN visit. Dr. D. He found the babies' heartbeats and measured my belly. I gained two more pounds. I'm up to 204lbs. :) Yee---haw! I'm hungry. I think I'll go eat something. Heehee.

Pemphigoid Gestationis

2010-10-11T21:03:00.000-04:00

I am so in love with my babies and I look forward to kissing and holding them. I got to hear their heartbeats today when I went for my emergency OB appt. I was worried that my rash, or it's treatment with the copious amounts of hydrocortisone cream over a large surface area would harm them. Dr. Shah reassured me, that the OTC cream, even in gross amounts was not going to harm the twins.

It was so good to see Dr. Shah. She is my regular OB and this is the first time she has gotten to see me since I became pregnant. Her eyes got pretty big when she saw my rash. She thinks the biopsy will confirm her suspicion that it's gestational herpes...AKA Pemphigoid Gestationis . Good news: it's not harmful to the babies. Bad news: you can only treat the symptoms, the virus has to run it's course, and it will get worse before it gets better. I may also have it for my whole pregnancy, and it can cause pre-term labor. I have to be careful to drink lots of fluids to keep up my amniotic fluid levels.

Dr. Shah used the doppler and found BOTH heartbeats, unlike my Joe Pesci look-alike Dr. that saw me before. She said the babies were moving around quite a bit. She is very thorough and reassuring. I love Dr. Shah! She even asked me if I had anymore questions and she got her nurse to set me up with an appt. to see the perinatologist at the hospital. I'll get an ultrasound, and a visit with the doctor. They will start monitoring me early because of the rash. I say, "Bring on the extra care!"

The "Energizer Rash"

2010-10-07T21:32:00.001-04:00

Yup, you guessed it. It keeps going and going and going, not unlike the Energizer Bunny. Nothing short of a massive dose of steroids or possibly a miracle may calm this rash down. I CANNOT stop itching it!!!! This is the 3rd rash of my pregnancy. The first two were localized to stripes at the tops of my thighs. The third and current rash went rogue. It is nearly everywhere: front and back of thighs, behind my knees, on my chest, under my armpits, hips, and other unmentionable places. I can only take so much generic benadryl and put on so much OTC hydrocortisone cream. And it's not letting up, it continues to spread!!!! For my peace of mind, I anxiously await the results of the biopsies taken by the dermatologist this past Wednesday. I hope I don't have anything that will harm my babies.

Friday marks my 15th week and I have yet to feel the babies move. I hear you can start feeling movement in the 16th week. I will be glad when I can feel movement from both of them. I am so excited to eventually see another ultrasound picture, to hear BOTH of their heartbeats, and to find out their genders. I will be so happy no matter what their genders may be. I have warmed to the idea of 2 boys, 2 girls, or a boy and a girl.

I admit I became spoiled by weekly ultrasounds at the fertility clinic. It was so fun watching them get bigger and bigger. Babycenter.com says my little peeps are as big as apples this week. Last week they were lemons. Ha! Now they are a seasonal fruit and the apples of my eye!

Daddy Jeff stopped by Babies R Us to start researching strollers/car seats for twins. He's looking at a Chico's system that will allow mom or dad to unhook a carseat from its base and then securely latch it to the stroller in one simple maneuver.

OK, now I've done it. I just looked on the internet at what my rash might be and I'm scared. Bad Rigel.

Post #400 My Amazing SIL Becky

2010-10-05T20:57:00.000-04:00

To celebrate my 400th post on Orion's Contemplation, I will sing the motherhood praises of my SIL Becky. Tonight we had dinner at a local pizza joint and Becky, her husband Clay and their two kiddos Seth and Brian were able to join us. I can tell you how wonderful it was to have dinner together before an anticipated year-plus separation from them, about how cute my nephews are, or about how neat it was to have a total stranger pay $10 of our bill, but what I want to focus on, is my SIL's ability to manage a tired, teething, under-two-year-old. She gave him a sippy, she let him play with things in her purse, she checked his diaper, she changed his diaper (in a bathroom without a changing table), she gave him crackers, she bounced him on her lap, and then on her hip, before she gave him some medicine when she had narrowed it down to the fact that he is teething. She's amazing. I can only hope to be such a super momma when it's my turn.

She's not only an amazing wife and mother, she possesses a generous spirit. She let me borrow a bunch of cool stuff! Out in the parking lot after pizza, she gave me three boxes of baby stuff plus a body pillow. I'm thankful for TWO SIL's (you too Ru Ru) and a sister (Cari) who are kind, loving and generous. I praise God for all of them, and for you!

God Remembered

2010-09-16T17:31:00.000-04:00

This is a picture sent to me by my friend J. She took a picture of a pregnancy journal and on the cover of one was a picture entitled, "God Remembered".

She said it reminded her of me. I had to post it. Made me all teary...

Pregnant, with a Cold

2010-09-14T21:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been sick when you were pregnant or known someone who has? I don't mean the "morning" sickness, I mean a cold or the flu. Having just caught a cold myself and feeling it's first real symptoms, I look longingly at my medicine cabinet to the cache of forbidden cold remedies and pine for relief. Aches, scratchy throat, post-nasal drip...and very little I can do to combat them. I feel at the mercy of my body's inflammatory response to this virus.

I have gargled with warm salt water. I have Luden's cough drops (sugared hard candy) and I'm drinking hot tea with honey and lemon, all bring temporary relief. 5 minutes later, I am ready to gargle again. What do you do when you are pregnant and sick?

The Babies

2010-09-05T21:32:00.000-04:00

The babies.

Sup Lately

2010-08-30T09:07:00.000-04:00

I am officially done taking my Endometrin suppositories.

Wait. Did you hear that? Listen.

It's the sound of angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus. That's right. No more thrice daily self-medicating with my friends the applicators. I have earned a reprieve from maxi-pads wit or witout wings. Sunday was my first full day without that med and I have to admit, I'm not feeling well. Coincidence? Perhaps.

I just looked up at the TV. James Bond is drowning somebody in a sink. Ah, the start of Casino Royale. Theme music.

Tonight I made Jeff and I some grilled turkey and cheese sandwiches with real bread from a loaf from the bakery, and then I could only eat half of the one and a half sandwiches I made for myself. How sad is that?

On the plus side, I've been doing some reading the past couple days thanks to my friend Rachel who lent me a mini-stack of oldies, but goodies. I am getting reaquainted with Frank Peretti. It's enough to make me want to be a prayer warrior.

Monday morning, I'm headed up to NY to get together with some girlfriends from grade school and high school. It will be good to sit around a campfire with them tonight and catch up.

The downside is that I am going to miss being away from Jeff. Being pregnant is giving me some really strong emotions and wild dreams. Sometimes, I wake up and I'm actually upset with him. Have you ever experienced a similar phenomenon?

First Trimester Fun

2010-08-24T21:25:00.000-04:00

So.....I'm at 8 weeks and 4 days. I'm about half-way through my first trimester and hopefully half-way through feeling nauseated. Thus far, no vomiting! I am trying to keep food in my stomach and water at hand. I've had several people give me advice on combating "morning sickness" which can last all day. I feel I have been fortunate in this area.

I have found that pregnancy has made me LAZY. All I want to do is lay on the couch...and occasionally get up to clean. I remain constipated unless I do my Fit Mama DVD. Walking doesn't help my bowels. I did take the max adult dose of a laxative Saturday night that had me in the bathroom in a Dumb and Dumber moment, about 15 minutes after ingestion. Liquid, 5 lb. relief. I haven't gone since then. Me no poopy for three days.

It doesn't matter how much fruit I eat. I'm going to have to bring myself to exercise tomorrow if I ever hope to poop again. This sucketh.

What did you struggle with during your first trimester?

6 weeks 3 days: Heartbeats, a Progesterone Rash, and a Due Date

2010-08-09T16:46:00.000-04:00

We had our second ultrasound today and saw both little hearts beating! Two babies! They will be fraternal twins, two different eggs and sperm. Two blastocytes transferred to my womb. They are on target! The doc said we might want to wait to tell people because it's still early, and I grinned at Jeff. The doc took the hint that we've already let that cat out of its bag.

I have also developed a rash as an allergic reaction to the progesterone. Doc wants me to stay on the progesterone for the babies' sake and to manage my symptoms with Benadryl. The rash started at the tops of my thighs and has grown thicker, slightly more bumpy and pinker, oh and it's spreading up my side. Did I mention that it itches (but not horribly)?

Third piece of 411 on the pregnancy: My first official due date is March 31. As he was giving it to me, he said that "the computer will give you a due date, which we can then laugh at." It will keep changing. The doc said my due date would most likely be anywhere between Valentine's Day 2011 and the end of Feb into early March.

Pregnancy symptoms we love to hate: tender swollen breast tissue, fatigue, constipation, progesterone rashes, and now....nausea.

5 weeks 3 days

2010-08-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

According to the nurse...that's how pregnant I am. I arrived at the office and gave some more blood for another HCG level check (which I found out they will continue to do, but not share the results of those tests with me unless something is wrong, until they release me to the care of my OBGYN), and then I had my visit with Dr. S. He checked out the blasties using TVU (he called them the "implants") and told me everything looked good...two gestational sacs with yolk sacs inside etc. I have another ultrasound next week and at that point we may be able to hear the heartbeats. By week 7 we should really be able to hear them. They tell us that after documentation of the heartbeat that only 10-15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. This little gem was in their literature.

It's pretty heady stuff. Next week, the "implants" will be about the size of tic-tacs. I can't help it, but now that I think about it, well, what do YOU associate with that word?

I'm still on the low-dose aspirin, a prenatal, and the Endometrin 3x a day, and now I have added a folic acid supplement to the mix. Pretty soon, I'll need one of those M-F pill boxes for old people.

Anticipating My First Ultrasound

2010-08-01T19:18:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is the day! We get our first look inside my womb since the transfer. I'm hoping for a due date from the doctor, to catch a glimpse of the wee folk and to get a head count. No morning sickness yet. I think the blasties are 4 weeks at this point. We'll see what the official week count is from the doctor. He might have a different time table. I'll let you know my HCG levels if I get them from the nurse.

The Ending of an Era, The Turning of a Page

2010-07-31T19:09:00.000-04:00

On the way back from Clawson's Restaurant tonight, located in picturesque Beaufort, NC, Jeff and I looked at eachother and paused to reflect, that this could be our last night of vacation alone, together, for many years. This time, next year, we will have expanded our family, and life will no longer be about us, it will be about them. Vacation will fall by the wayside for quite some time.

You might be thinking...it was never supposed to be about you...you Purpose Driven Life people. ;) But, the truth is, it's always about us, until it has to be about other people. That's the nature of the beast in this imperfect world. We're constantly thinking about our comfort level, our plans, our physical fitness, our amusement....it's us, nearly 24/7 until it's them or someone else we have to care for. If you've ever been a caregiver, you know what I'm talking about.

Who takes up your "me time"?

Awe Yeah... PREGGERS

2010-07-22T22:48:00.000-04:00

In at 7:30 am for the blood work, found out just after 3:00 pm this afternoon I'm pregnant! Praise God. Now I have three follow-up blood draws to make sure my HCG level continues to rise and then they might give me a due date. ;)

Cats out of the bag folks. This chick is a watermelon smugglin' fiend. Perhaps it is too early to rejoice, but I've kept it out in the open so far, so you're with me for the duration. Let's see where we go from here.

Ouchie....Cramping

2010-07-21T07:37:00.000-04:00

So last night I got to hang with my girls at our Pampered Chef Team Meeting. It was really good to see Fretzie and Erinchenzo. Love them. There's something about being with girlfriends that takes the edge off my anxiety.

While I was there, I started cramping. Fretzie assured me she cramped with her pregnancies and from what I read on this message board cramping can be kind of normal. Some people say it's not, but I think they are talking about more severe pain than I was experiencing. Later that night, I woke up with horrible cramps, no blood, just what felt like horribly intense menstrual cramps that had me whimpering in bed. I got up and shuffled downstairs, and broke a ceramic trivet I've had since we got married as I was fumbling in my purse for the generic extra strength Tylenol. Took one of those, and fumbled back up to bed where I whimpered until the meds kicked and I could fall asleep. No blood this morning either.

Anyone know what these cramps are from? I have my blood work tomorrow morning with my pregnancy test.

What if the answer is still "No."?

2010-07-20T11:53:00.000-04:00

What if I get to Thursday and I am not pregnant? I will decidedly be crushed. Why Thursday? Why so early after the transfer? Why are they testing me on Thursday? Why not wait two weeks? For their data? Do I even have a shot at a positive result?

I just found out a close family friend is pregnant. God, this is your timing and I rejoice for her, but what if I am not pregnant again? What if you say "No" again? I don't know if I have the grace for that. I can't smile anymore. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, or that it's somehow OK. I am pissed. I am so sad. I have this deep seeded dread that God will take my joy away from me, if not before the pregnancy test, then afterwards. He could even wait until after my baby is grown up. What do you have to do in the eyes of God to deserve to be pregnant?

Two Days Post-Transfer

2010-07-16T10:37:00.002-04:00

Why is it that whenever they mess around with your business that your body responds with cramping and bloating? :) After a couple days, the lingering effects of the transfer are abating. It's nice to not feel achy when I roll onto either side. I'm a turner/tosser, poor husband.

At the start of the transfer process, they give you a picture of your embryo(s) that they will be transferring that day. It's amazing. It's really your first look at your child(ren). During the actual transfer itself, they have you undress from the waist down, they cleanse the path to your uterus where they will place your precious cargo, and then they do a trial run with a little cath to make sure the way isn't blocked. You can see it on the ultrasound screen. Then they show you your magnified embryo(s) on a TV screen, in a dish in the lab, before the transfer is done. You get to watch the transfer on the ultrasound screen as the doc guides the pipette along the proper line to the nesting ground. :) Then they slowly remove the pipette and examine it under a microscope to make sure the little guy(s) didn't get stuck in the pipette.

The nurse tells you that spotting, cramping and bloating is normal. Remember, this is almost a week after the retrieval and your follicles that used to hold eggs are now filling with fluid and blood. The bloating is back, with a vengeance. You get dressed, you go to the bathroom, where it takes an alarming time to actually relax and pee, and then you get to drive home grinning like an idiot, and holding your husband's hand trying to decide how much you're going to tell people, and when.

Do we tell people as soon as we are pregnant because we've been so transparent this far and that's been the expectation? What if I can't carry? What if I tell people too soon and then we miscarry? What do other couples do, wait three months? Do we share the sex? Do we want to know the sex? Will we even make it that far with this first attempt?

We've talked about it, and we've decided to hold off on any announcements or detailed reports until we give it some time. We won't know for a few weeks yet if the transfer is even successful. We do have some frozen embryos for additional attempts if or when we need them, so we rest in the knowledge that this is not the end, but the continuing journey of something wonderful. I'll ask you to pray for health and life for this potential pregnancy and that J and I will be at our best for the baby. I'll post again on this topic when we have news to share.

The count: 22 eggs retrieved, 18 fertilized, 13 dividing normally, four of those frozen, 9 cultured for 5-day growth. 5 mature blastocysts. 2 transferred, 3 frozen.

It's Not Everyday

2010-07-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

It's not an everyday revelation, the date of your conception,
the day your life takes root in me.

I pledge to protect your life with my own.
I'm your Momma, he's your Daddy and we've been waiting for you, little miracle for what seems like forever.

Uncompromised nutrition, exercise, sleep, for your provision.
A mother's love is sacrificial. One day I hope you know that love for your own child, though tomorrow brings uncertainty.

I have to hope for your life in me. I can't think about you logically or in a detached way.
Your existance excites me and fosters dreams of who you may become.

I love you with everything I am.

It's not everyday, God blesses us with the responsibility of a lifetime.
Wednesday, July 14th is the day he blesses us, with you.

The In-Between

2010-07-11T10:18:00.000-04:00

Since the day after the retrieval (7/10/10) I have added to my medicinal regimen. I have been taking a battery of steroid medication which is gradually decreasing each day, and I have been taking a steady, thrice daily regimen of progesterone. No more shots! :) I've also been taking extra strength acetominophin as-needed.

Our tentative embryo transfer is scheduled for Monday, but they could put it off until Wednesday and let them get to the blastocyst stage of development.

22 Eggs

2010-07-09T18:24:00.000-04:00

My retrieval went well today! They got 22 eggs and tomorrow I get a phone call to tell me how many fertilized. I had a significant amount of cramping when I woke up from my IV sedation. That was not pleasant, but a couple extra strength tylenol, a codeine pill, some disposable heating pads, and some extra recovery time for the meds to kick in, and I was doing OK. As soon as you pee and your blood pressure is up, they give you something to drink (I picked gingerale and Ritz peanut butter crackers), you get dressed and you can go home.

The one thing nobody told me about in advance is that you get constipation from the fertility meds and then from the sedation, or and from the codeine. Prunes. Yogurt. Sigh.

Waxing Philosophical

2010-07-08T18:04:00.001-04:00

I cannot tell you in words how wonderful it has been to have my dad down here for a visit this week. Yesterday we went swimming and hung out with some of my favorite people (Pletschers) and today Dad and Mom bought me new sandles I could not have afforded on my own. We had coffee this morning, me and Dad played The Game of Life on my ITouch, things were grand. We even got in a nap this afternoon and Hobbes came in to snuggle.

I've been getting supportive messages on Facebook from my posts, and I am happy to ask you all to pray as I go for my egg retrieval tomorrow. I am having anxiety about the procedure, and I just ask for God's peace and acceptance either way. The retrieval will be a diagnostic test of sorts, helping the docs to get a good look at my egg quality (a potential area of concern to this whole process). My understanding is that once they have the building blocks, they will grade them and put them together to make the embryos. Then a few days later, I go back to the IVF Toll Center and they put two of them in and cryopreserve the rest. Between retrieval and implantation, they call you to let you know the status of your embryos and how many you have. My goal is to get to and through the egg retrieval tomorrow, come what may.

HCG Shot

2010-07-07T18:11:00.000-04:00

I had my TVU and bloodwork this morning. The nurse said my follicles grew and that my egg retrieval will be Friday at 9:15 a.m. Tonight, I'll get my HCG shot at 9:15 p.m. and I will take a pregnancy test tomorrow morning to determine if my body has absorbed the hormone in the shot. A pregnancy test when I know I can't be pregnant, somewhat ironic, no?

I had a cafe latte this morning and I went swimming this afternoon with my dad. We had a good time eating and talking with friends. My dad did a backflip off the diving board. Now I have a headache, and tingling down the right side of my neck and in my right leg. So weird. Perhaps it's a pinched nerve. I looked it up online, what could it be? Diabetes? MS? Neuropathy? I am a hypochondriac.

Ugh

2010-07-06T19:35:00.000-04:00

Here I lay, bloated and sore on the couch, knowing that once again, I will have another Gonal F shot at 8 pm. I just want to cry, but I'm too tired to cry. I'm a bit apprehensive, and yes, scared. I'm worried that the HCG shot tomorrow night is going to trigger OHSS and that I'm going to die in agony. I am a self-proclaimed hypochondriac, but I have a sense of impending doom about this whole operation.

Would you please pray for me? Would you pray that God would give me peace as I go through the Gonal F side effects tonight and that he would give me peace about the big HCG shot in the butt tomorrow night? My egg retrieval will be sometime on Friday. I don't know when, but I am really nervous about developing OHSS after the HCG shot.

Will my follicles mature enough overnight?

God is able.

This is It!

2010-07-06T09:01:00.000-04:00

My latest ultrasound shows that my follicles are many, but that they are hovering around 14 mm. I have another TVU scheduled for tomorrow AM at 7:15 and the nurse is supposed to call me today to tell me whether or not they are going to give me one more day on Gonal F to give my follicles a little longer to mature. If it will help, I am willing to do another day. I want my best shot at a positive result.

I asked her if she saw anything wrong on the ultrasound (there was a little fluid build-up showing up on the ultrasound on my right side) and she said everything looked normal and she would call me about my bloodwork that is checking to see that my estrogen levels are continuing to rise. She said some people need 11-12 days of stimulation and that everything looked normal. If I took the Gonal F tonight, it would count as my 12th day. She seemed to think I had quite a few follicles developing...that's good, now if we could just get them to grow up. ;)

So I wait to see if I am to do the HCG shot tonight or tomorrow night. If tonight, my egg retrieval will be Thursday, if tomorrow, it will be Friday. The day after the HCG shot, I take a pregnancy test, not to see if I am pregnant, but to detect if the HCG shot was effective.

I've been watching all these egg retrieval YouTube videos and infertility video journals. Not sure if that's a good thing. The people on the videos were pretty out of it on their twilight meds. I feel like it's the last few hours before a big test. I'm not asking myself, "Will I pass?" I'm asking myself if I'm going to ace it. I want to know that I am capable of producing Grade A eggs. Sigh. It's my competitive nature. What can I say? ;)

I can't help but feel I am being measured, evaluated... That I am being found worthy or not. Each day, the Gonal F symptoms get a little more intense: fatigue, headache, dizziness, back ache, sleeplessness, soreness etc.

At the checkout, I found out that our insurance wouldn't pay for the nurse medication consultation. That's $160 out of pocket, but that's small change compared to what we could be paying without insurance.

I talked to my mom on the way home from the docs office. My dad will be here shortly. Mom had to stay home and work, but Dad is here for a visit. Either way, things are coming to a head. Please pray for us these next few days...for health and for God's will.

To Be or Not to Be

2010-07-05T12:13:00.002-04:00

Reflecting on the miles that have passed beneath my feet, this infertile journeywoman cannot help but ponder some of the momentous lessons she has learned from her chief affliction. Call it a refinement process, call it Monday Morning Quarterbacking, call it maturity, but whatever you call it, count it as worthwhile, despite the shadowlands.

I thank God today for my infertility. Without it, I would not have learned the importance of relying on God for my identity. Who I am in Christ is paramount. It has to be. As a woman, a large part of who I am and what I think of myself is tied to my ability to have/raise children. Some may not share the same struggle, but it's mine. As a barren woman I have been crushed on multiple occasions at my inability to participate in motherhood: Mother's Day, barbeques, chatting in groups of women, unwitting questions from random individuals, and seeing virtually everyone we know (including family and younger friends more recently married than ourselves/even unmarried ones) pop out multiple kids and despairing that it may never happen for us.

Through this bane of infertility, I have had little things to really be thankful for and that I have learned along the way. Our expenses were mediated by our incredible insurance coverage, but not elminated. My faith is strengthened when I came to the end of myself and nothing but a miracle could have provided the extra Gonal F medication needed to complete my stimulation cycle.

There are also moments of personal growth, when I have learned to stand up for myself with the leadership of my husband. When signing paperwork, championing your morals can change the outcome of a situation. If there isn't a work around, make one and politely find a compromise, otherwise, you can take your business elsewhere.

I've learned patience. After YEARS of waiting each month for pregnancies that have never come, and countless boughts of disappointment and tearfilled nights, I continue this lesson. With my aggressive treatment (375 i.u. per shot of Gonal F) and the slow maturation of my follicles, I see by ultrasound that I cannot control how my body will respond to hormone stimulation, natural or otherwise. Only God knows how many, if any will show up on the ultrasound tomorrow. A minimum of 3 mature follicles are generally sought to even attempt an egg retrieval. Mine have responded slowly on the maximum dose of FSH. A website I was perusing last night said they should be between 14 and 20 mm for retrieval. At last check my lead follicle was only 12 mm. That was Saturday. Today is Monday. Tomorrow is my last TVU and bloodwork. It's GO TIME. Make or break. Tomorrow I will know my "fate," to be or not to be.

My Husband, My Hero

2010-06-29T08:26:00.000-04:00

I have to hand it to my husband. He is one cool dude. Like a pitbull cucumber. He's cool. He's calm. He's tenacious.

When you give him a problem to deal with, he takes it and the people involved with it to the mattresses. It's not personal. It's just business. He always thinks problems through logically and strategically. Each move has a purpose. He is a problem solver, whereas I am the tide of emotion. I won't elaborate. (Beware high tide!)

He remains calm when I come to him with what I would consider a dragon of a problem and when he sees me in peril from the evil antagonist, he flips a switch and he becomes larger than life and he vanquishes the beast.

I sometimes wonder if he missed a calling somewhere to be some lawyer, or manager or executive...all the roles he eschews... and then I remember how happy I am that he's mine and how thankful I am for our little fiefdom on Main Street that we lead together. Thanks for being my dragon slayer babe. You're my hero!

His Eye is on the Sparrow

2010-06-28T18:31:00.002-04:00

Miracles of any size always seem to happen to other people, but today one happened to me. We're approaching a holiday weekend and I needed to order some extra follicle stimulating medication to get me through it. I called Freedom Fertility Pharmacy and they told me they could do a refill of up to 4 Gonal F pens but my maximum medication prescription benefit of $5000 had been reached and that I would have to pay 100% of the cost of the medication, (an exhorbitant number in the thousands of dollars, that my husband and I cannot afford).

There I sat, on the tile of the kitchen floor absorbing the fact that my meds (for one round of IVF) had been exhausted and that I was past the middle of my cycle approaching my egg retrieval and this person was essentially telling me I would not be able to complete it. This was not the first bad news in the last few days.

Earlier this week, we continued to negotiate with our fertility clinic over their embryo dispensation paperwork. They wanted to have a signed paper on file before the egg retrieval that told them what they could do with our embryos if something happened to both Jeff and I between the time the embryos are created and the time they are frozen. While it is a logical idea for them to have a dispensation directive on file, they only gave us two options on their paper: we could donate them to science or have them destroyed. As neither of these options is morally acceptable to Jeff and I as we believe life is sacred and it begins at conception, we couldn't, in good conscience, sign this paper. They could not, with due dilligence, continue our treatment. We temporarily got around this issue by promising to produce a will that would give instructions for embryo adoption in the event of both of our untimely deaths.

Now, the clinic rep was calling to say that I could not proceed with the stimulation meds the next day (I'm half-way through the process), unless we signed their form or could produce our will. The nurse assured me they could continue to keep me on Lupron to extend treatment until we could come to some agreement, but that did little to assuage the freak out that was brewing at the back of my mind and threatening to spill into the phone receiver. We had previously earned a reprieve when they allowed us to write on that form that we would include a copy of our will with that form giving them instructions on how our embryos are to be given in christian adoption to infertile couples if we died. It was now time to produce the will. Dilemna: we cannot afford attorney fees so we really don't have a will to give them yet. I explained we didn't have the wills YET. She said she would have to check with her people and call me back.

Long story short, she calls me back after giving me sufficient time to panic, freak out, call my husband, get into a fight about getting a will, post alarmist messages on facebook about trying to contact an attorney specializing in Assisted Reproductive Technologies, and get really frustrated, before calling me back to say, if they had the will by the time of the egg retrieval that everything was good and I could proceed with the stimulation meds.

Through more phone calls and on the recommendations of an adoption agency and a close friend, we located Legalzoom.com and we are in the process of drawing up wills with them for a fraction of the cost of hiring an attorney. This brings us to present day.

I am three days into the stimulation meds and through yet another ultrasound and more bloodwork. I have little follicles developing in both ovaries. Right on track. I crunch the numbers and find out I'm going to need more stim meds to get me through the holiday weekend. I find out I have to pay for them with thousands of dollars we don't have. More freaking out. Another call to the husband at work. He is my sanity in my hormone infused, emotionally fantastic world. I'm wondering what our clinic can possibly do to help us. We have a prescription refill in place, we just can't fill it because our insurance benefit is depleted. Hubby says we'll play good cop, bad cop. He'll be the bad cop, and we both have to call the clinic to complain that we are in this situation. Who's idea was it to begin stimulation, knowing we couldn't possibly make it through the weekend and when we had mxed our med benefit? Caveat Emptor I guess. Know your benefit max. Do the math.

Long story short: After getting voicemail for two different people at the clinic and their home office, I decide I'm going to drive down to the clinic to talk to the office manager. I invite you to put yourself in my shoes. View the volatility of the scene in your mind's eye.

You're me. Since the inception of this process, you think you have carefully planned this endeavor in your quest to be financially responsible. You have called around (insurance company and clinic) and had a sit-down meeting with the clinic billing and insurance manager that included a speakerphone call with that manager and your insurance company and researched and made sure you have adequate insurance coverage for meds and treatments. This is after all the painful testing, and driving and missing work and prescreening. Then you have to have a tough discussion with one of the doctors about their paperwork that you cannot morally sign. You work something out, knowing down the road you'll need to have a will, which you will eventually get. Then you need it now, and you don't have it yet and they are threatening to halt your treatment when all your estrogen levels are at an all-time, medically induced low and you are experiencing the worst PMS in history and someone is threatening to take away your last chance of having biological children (having exhausted your insurance benefit), and then it's OK and now you can take your stim meds, whoops they will run out before July 4th weekend when our office will be closed and all this effort will be for nothing, .... on the edge of insanity, I cry out to God....

and he answers.

I am on my way over to plead my case to that office manager. I am working on trying to articulate my case in the car. I abhor confrontation, but I am worked into a lathered, hormonal and mamma bear frenzy and someone is going to listen to what I have to say. I'm pondering what I'll say, how I will have very little chance to logically persuade her to have mercy on us... and my cell rings. It's Jeff. I pull over in a school parking lot to listen.

It's good news.

Our nurse at the clinic says we can combine leftover doses in our pens and she has a couple of extra, unused Gonal F pens that someone donated that we can use to get us through the weekend. No charge to us. Can you freaking BELIEVE IT?! Just what we need, when we need it. The water works start. I just have to go to the office (where I was already headed) to pick them up. Wow.

Flash to my return home. I fill the bird feeder and come inside. From my kitchen window, sparrows begin to feed at the newly replenished food source. It's a God moment. What we need, when we need it, and not a moment before. Have faith. Jehovah Jireh.

Quit Bugging Me!

2010-06-13T10:07:00.000-04:00

We woke up this morning to our cat Hobbes, spazzing around on top of us. He was playing with a paper ball. He likes to do that, and normally it's cute, but not at the butt crack of dawn. It turns out Hobbes wasn't the only thing creeping around this morning.

Have you ever woken up to the feeling of something crawling on you? Yeah. I did. This morning. Ants, everywhere. Two different sizes. Smaller ones, no wings. Larger ones (1/2 inch) with wings. Swarming on the sunshine filled windows. This necessitated an early morning Walmart run for some spray and traps, but we'll also be calling around for exterminator estimates. Good times. Anyone know a good, reliable one that guarantees they will find the nest etc.?

Medications

2010-06-12T21:56:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been one week plus since I started on my month of birth control. My meds arrived this morning and I begin my Lupron shots on Monday the 14th. We'll see how crazy I get. ;) I have to say that giving myself shots isn't something I look forward to doing. It's not like getting a massage or a facial. Sigh.

The hormones are already fluctuating, perhaps in anticipation of my shot routine starting in a little over a day.

I am reminding myself that I'm going through this because I want to be able to say, I tried and gave it my all. I will learn to give myself shots. I will learn to be able to watch the needle go in. My husband is here to support me. Mantra.

Asphinctersayswhat?

2010-06-10T22:08:00.001-04:00

What? Exactly.

I'm feeling like a goob tonight. Most of it must be do to fatigue. FAH-tigue. Daaaaaaaaaa Bears.

Me brain has decided to revert to teenage mode, and in such a state, I cannot be responsible for what movies I may quote. Take the title of tonight's post. That would be a throw back to Wayne's World.

Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Party time! Ex-su-lent!

Strike up some Jimmy Hendrix...Foxy....Foxy...

And because I can't resist...

..."You know you're a cut little heartbreaker

Foxy
You know you're a sweet little lovemaker
Foxy

I wanna take you home
I won't do you no harm, no
You've got to be all mine, all mine
Ooh, foxy lady

I see you, heh, on down on the scene
Foxy
You make me wanna get up and scream
Foxy

Ah, baby listen now
I've made up my mind
I'm tired of wasting all my precious time
You've got to be all mine, all mine
Foxy lady
Here I come

I'm gonna take you home
I won't do you no harm, no
You've got to be all mine, all mine
Here I come

I'm comin' to get ya
Foxy lady
You look so good
Yeah, foxy
Yeah, give us some
Foxy

Yeah, get it, babe
You make me feel like
Feel like sayin' foxy
Foxy

Foxy lady
Foxy lady"

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimi%2Bhendrix/#share

Conversations

2010-06-03T10:43:00.000-04:00

I was talking to our painter yesterday afternoon and he asked if we had any kids. For some reason he assumed we had one. I told him we did not, and he said quickly, "Good, don't have any!" Not knowing what life experiences could lead him to this belief, I smiled and decided to tell him we were beginning In Vitro this month and told him about how my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a family. I didn't go into the blessing that we believed family to be or the importance of loving and raising children who know God, instead he launched into his own story of people that he knew that had In Vitro and had done well with it, and so the conversation moved on.

We chatted of many things. We discovered we had a mutual acquaintence who had adopted from China. That was fun to know. We also discussed the poor state of the wood on our porch that would need to be replaced, and for some reason he felt comfortable telling me how he had cussed out my husband to his subordinate, because my husband forgot to leave the extension cord connected so they would have power their second day on the job. They had to come back again because our guy was shorthanded. He thinks his hired hand was sleeping off the results of partying after the Flyers game.

Well, I just never would have had the opportunity to chat with our painter unless I came out of my house to shake his hand. I could have snuck in the back way and never said hello, but I wanted to have some face to face contact and fully be able to appreciate his work in his presence. I'm not sure how picky to be. There was paint on the mulch, and on the grass in a few spots, and I noticed he had painted up onto the trim in one spot. What would you do? How picky would you be? How picky should I be?

In Vitro: In a Glass Dish, They Do the Puppeteered Tango via ICSI

2010-05-31T19:47:00.000-04:00

This month we begin In Vitro Fertilization and I cannot wait to have my hormones artificially manipulated. I'm kidding. I'm actually worried about how the hormone swings are going to adversely effect my relationship with my husband. I know how bad my normal hormone storms can be! Just think what heavy doses of hormone stimulants can do! Hide all sharp, pointy objects....

Unanswered Prayer

2010-05-09T12:06:00.001-04:00

I've been trying to think more about what God wants and less about how I'm feeling. It's tough because I'm sinful and selfish and wallowing in the fact that I'm a barren woman.

When you can't have babies and you want to have them and it's Mother's Day, your outlook on life seems much less hopeful. You picture years of loneliness, without family and a child's love and you feel depressed. Despite the fact that you don't know when God is going to take you, it's nice to paint a picture in your mind of how you would like your earthly years to be spent. Dashed expectations are such a downer.

I opened the Bible to the book of Romans and I read what the apostle Paul said in the first chapter, (verses 9 and 10) about prayer. When you can't have babies, you pray for them for years and you never know if God will answer them. It feels most days, like your prayers are going out into the void.

But Paul has this to say:

Rom. 1: 9, 10
9 God, whom I serve with my whole heart in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you 10 in my prayers at all times; and I pray that now at last by God's will the way may be opened for me to come to you.

The NIV commentary below the passage says this:

"When you pray continually about a concern, don't be surprised how God answers. Paul prayed to visit Rome so he could teach the Christians there.When he finally arrived in Rome, it was as a prisoner (see Acts 28:16). Paul prayed for a safe trip, and he did arrive safely--- after getting arrested, slapped in the face, shipwrecked, and bitten by a poisonous snake.

God's ways of answering our prayers are far from what we often expect. When you sincerely pray, God will answer-- although sometimes with timing and in ways you do not expect."

That's my gem from Jesus for the day. We need to be in prayer, to expect him to answer if we are praying in earnest and with righteous intent. However, we should not expect him to answer on our timetable. I would go a step further to say that we shouldn't expect him to answer at all in the way we want him to. There is no written promise of our happiness or that God will even give me children. He just promises to be with us. Emmanuel.

Jagged Little Pill

2010-05-06T15:48:00.000-04:00

It's a bit ironic that I am healing from surgery and my period comes directly before Mother's Day when I'm struggling with infertility and that I have a minor (yet annoying) case of Poison Ivy. It's spring and people are coming out of the closet left and right with pregnancy announcements. I'm feeling pretty troll-ish this days so I think I'll spend some time alone to avoid running into happy people.

I'm sure the pendulum will swing the other way eventually, but until it does, I remain yours truly,

Grumpasaurus Rex

Parc Bistro in Skippack, PA

2010-05-02T01:10:00.001-04:00

Have you ever tasted good food and thought how marvelous it was to be alive so you could be there at that moment, eating it? We accompanied another couple to The Parc Bistro in Skippack, PA for a delicious meal on Friday night. I splurged and got a beautiful blue bottle of still water and the Boeuf Bourguignon. Jeff let me sample his appetizer (black bean soup) and his entree of Buffalo Chicken Pizza.

I sampled my friend's Key Lime Martini, and her Foie Gras appetizer. Her husband let us try his Barbeque Scallops wrapped in bacon with a side of Fuji Apple Cole Slaw. Unbelieveable! So mouth-watering! The after dinner coffee was pleasing as well! Over all great country French atmosphere, superb food, our waitress seemed a little inattentive, but we heard from our friends that their regular waiter is stellar.

It was an enjoyable evening. The restaurant had indoor and outdoor seating. This little gem is perfect for special occasions or for a night out on the town with your significant other. 3.5 stars out of 4! I liked it better than my experience at another local country French eatery off of Allentown Road. Great job Parc! We'll visit again, as soon as possible!

Post-Op

2010-05-01T11:12:00.002-04:00

It's the third day since my laproscopy and I think I can say, I'm out of the woods! There doesn't appear to be any sign of infection in either of my incisions and I'm not suffering any long term effects from the anesthesia. I'm a bit sore and tired and I can't comfortably sit up with my pants buttoned for long periods of time, but I am on the mend. I praised God this morning for seeing me through this surgery.

In my devotions this a.m., I read Psalm 71. I was reminded that God is my rock and my refuge to whom I may always go. From my youth I have known him. He is there for us to rely upon and he comes quickly, like a loving Father when we cry out to him. I am thankful for a loving God.

The day of my surgery, my hubby and I made it down to the surgical center on time. I filled out the pre-surg paperwork and then they took me back to get changed and to get my IV started.

Jeff kept me distracted from the pain of the IV by talking to me and holding my other hand. He's so good to me. They put me on a sugar water drip to keep me hydrated and to get my blood sugar going. It burned a bit inserting it, and having it in there. The nurse did a fabulous job with my IV. I don't even have a bruise!!!! Unbelievable!

Jeff continued to hold my hand and we talked quietly until the surgeon came to explain the procedure and to sign more paperwork giving him permission to do ablation, should they find anything to ablate, like endometriosis.

Once we got to the OR, I got up no the table and spread my arms out in a cross position. It was eerily like the scene from a prison movie when they give the condemned inmate a lethal injection.

They got me strapped to and positioned on the table, making friendly chit chat as we went along. I had a nice conversation with the nurse anesthetist Jeannie. She asked me what I do, and she told me she had been a language arts teacher trying to get a job in Philly and she had gone back to school to be a NE because she couldn't find a job. Yeah, I felt like I had wasted my eduation dollars. I was saved from more wistful thoughts as the head nurse called a "time out" and everyone met over my abdomen. There they all were, politely staring and smiling at me. It felt like a football huddle and the head nurse was the quarterback. I was definitely the football.

She asked me a series of questions (name, date of birth, surgeon, procedure today etc.) and then the huddle broke, and the nurse anesthetist and anesthesiologist got to work.

This surgery was more intense than I expected. As I went under the anesthesia, a mild burning sensation crept up the back of my neck, and as I grunted a protest, the nurse anesthetist reassured me that it burned a bit. Then I was out.

Under general anesthesia, they had to use tracheal intubation to keep my airway open. I knew they were going to do this and I found out why. In my previous surgeries, the surgeons only had to work on my breast tissue (to remove benign tumors), so they didn't need to sedate me as heavily as they did for this surgery where they needed everything south of my diaphragm to be relaxed.

When I woke up in recovery, I knew where I was but it was harder than usual to get my bearings. I was really tired, and really out of it. Dizzy, oh, and nauseated! I only had the energy to open an eye at a time. I let myself go back to sleep and kept looking at the clock when I would come to again. My nurse was great. She allowed me to come around gradually and she didn't rush the process. When I told her I was nauseous, she explained that I probably would get sick from the effects of the anesthesia and why this sedation is medically necessary for the surgery. Fascinating stuff, but what I really keyed in on was the fact that I could anticipate getting sick on the way home. Sigh. She offered me something to drink and eat (gingerale and crackers). I knew I was not feeling good, when I could only sip the gingerale and nibble on a cracker. Less to vomit up later (Incidentally, I valiantly fought the nausea on the way home and only dry heaved at the front door. Then it disappated).

The doc came to talk to me in recovery before he left. He had already been out to talk to my hubby. Only two incisions were required! They went in through my naval, and I have a little incision scar below my panty line on my right side. They found some endometriosis on my left side so they removed it. This was the side that had been bothering me!!! It's affirming when medical tests confirm the presence of nagging pains. It's even better when they can explain the causes of them.

In post-op, Dr. S. told me to watch for infection, get rested and he gave me care instructions for the incisions. They sent me home with a scipt for Tylenol #3 (Tylenol with Codeine). It has a narcotic effect, so I stuck to taking the extra strength acetominophen (aka Tylenol).

I had read about the procedure in advance, so I knew to expect the gas pains, i.e. the mysterious pockets of air that travel around your belly and give you shoulder pain and chest pain, which are known side effects of having your belly inflated and of being on a vent. They gradually work themselves out in muscial ways, so I am taking it easy and having my own private, padded concerts.

I received a follow up call from the surgeon and the surgical center and I now have an appt. in 2 weeks for my post-op follow up. From there, we will have invitro fertility counseling and then I'll let you know what's next!

Laproscopy

2010-04-19T19:56:00.001-04:00

So my laproscopy surgery is scheduled for Wednesday, April 28th. I've been doing online research to try and understand what it will be like. I found this site that was pretty helpful. I'm nervous about the nausea after surgery. I haven't gotten sick after surgery before, but this one seems slightly more invasive.

I'm hoping they don't find anything in there that needs to be removed. In and Out! I'm worried about adhesions, infection, nausea and vomiting. I'm worried they will find things that need to be cut away and my recovery will take longer. Lots of worries.

Laproscopy, Counseling and Invitrofertizlization, Oh My!

2010-04-12T20:00:00.000-04:00

With the start of monthly cycle, I will call the fertility clinic with my Day One. 7 to 10 days later, I will have laproscopic surgery to check for endometriosis. Then we begin the process of invitrofertilization. "Process" is a great word for it actually.

I have an information packet which includes information on:

Financial considerations
Preadmission testing
Initiation of IVF cycle
Folic Acid/Prenatal viamins
IVF Monitoring Month
Medications used in an IVF cycle
Retrieval instructions and information (when they retrieve your eggs)
Additional IVF information (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection or ICSI, Assisted Hatching or AH, Cryopreservation, and Preimplantation genetic diagnosis or PGD)
Quick checklist for IVF cycle

Lots of things to consider.

The Magical Cyst

2010-04-03T19:59:00.001-04:00

The magical cyst appears and disappears with the cycle of a period. They found this one on Good Friday. I got in for an ultrasound and on Monday I had my results. Presto, change-o. 2cm cyst on my left ovary. The pain has dissapated with the continuation of my cycle. Laproscopy looms in my future as party of the infertility diagnosis and treatment process. Maybe the cyst will make an appearance at the time of my surgery and they can remove it. Hear's hoping for a swift sure surgery and recovery.

Complete Ultrasound

2010-04-02T16:48:00.000-04:00

Tonight at 7:15 pm I have another complete ultrasound. A little over a year ago I experienced a sharp pain in the lower left quadrant of my abdomen that waxed and waned. It did not happen every month. I had a complete ultrasound and a CT scan that found nothing but a slightly sagging bladder. Like the poltergeist, it's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I went back to the doc this week and she gave me an open script for another ultrasound that I could use when the pain came back. I made my appt. at Grandview Hospital for tonight. I really hope they do find something so that they can tell me if this freaking pain is an ovarian cyst, or a couple of ovarian cysts or whatever. I HATE not knowing what's causing it and making up all kinds of horrible thoughts in my head. Endometriosis? Diverticulitis? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Frustrated and tense. Catching myself getting an attitude with my husband. Regrets, worries, frustrations.

Decisions Decisions

2010-04-01T09:23:00.000-04:00

Hubby and I had a nice long walk at Peace Valley Park after a shortened canoe outing on Lake Galena. We got a used canoe from someone and decided to give it a trial run. That thing was not seaworthy, or even lakeworthy, threatening to dump us into the drink. Needless to say, we kept close to shore and made that "maiden" voyage short and sweet.

After an early picnic lunch (made that much earlier by a tippy canoe), we went on a walk around the nature trails and found a place to park it at a picnic table to chat about the realm of invitrofertilization. We sifted through the information packet and pondered our familial future. What to do?

My husband graciously agreed to give me all the required shots, and to wake up in the AM to administer them without my nagging him to do so. We discussed the emotional upheaval that hormone shots bring, and the potential disappointments of failed attempts. We discussed the possibility of multiple births, and of the increased chance of miscarriage.

I want our family. Insurance will pay for most of our expenses associated with invitro. I want to try so that I don't ever have to think "what if?". The plan is to call the fertility place with my Day One so that they can schedule the laproscopy to check for endometriosis. I will be giving them permission to clear it away if they find any when they are in there.

I hope that God will bless our efforts and that he is guiding these decisions.

Disheartening News from the Fertility Doctors

2010-03-09T22:23:00.001-05:00

We met with a new doctor this afternoon. Strike One: I didn't like the way that he discussed things with us. He wasn't very professional, making jokes and saying inappropriate things when he should have been getting down to business.

Strike Two: The office made a mistake and copied Jeff's blood work report and putting it where mine should go. The doctor reviewed hubby's results first confirming everything we already knew, good sperm count/motility, no genetic abnormalities or diseases.

Then they moved on to mine and read the wrong blood type. I corrected him, he double checked his results and then apologized before moving on.

Strike Three: The bad news is this: the Clomid Challenge Test revealed that my egg quality might not be that great. I am within the treatable range, where they can still attempt to use my eggs in conception, but they recommend that I first get a test for endometriosis (Laparoscopy) that requires I go under general anesthesia and have more risk for infection and complications. The doctor then recommended IVF. He said we could try more Clomid, or Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) shots with Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) but the percentages were much lower for a successful pregnancy. Having an elevated FSH level, I am also LESS likely to respond to infertility treatment.

With my elevated FSH level, I have no guarantee of when my FSH level will climb higher as my eggs get worse for wear. That is why the doc recommended IVF.

I don't want to have tons of frozen embryos. I would feel irresponsible for creating, and then freezing life. I don't want to donate them either, or give them to science. What do you have to say? The only thing I do know, is that I don't think I want this guy doing my surgery.

Additional question: Does anyone know the longterm risks and side effects for Invitro Fertilization?

Giving the Doldrums the Boot

2010-03-01T21:05:00.001-05:00

If you're having a bad day, grab it by it's pony tail with both hands, swing it around until it's dizzy and airborn and then let it fly...letting it's little girlie cries roll away into the distance, like water off a duck's back. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
That being said, the things I'm letting roll off my back are (drum roll please): being a new Pampered Chef consultant that doesn't have her act together yet, and getting down to my last pair of pants that fit that are getting thread-bare between the thighs. I could start me a fire. Shoooooooooot.

I've decided on a theme for my PC launch on March 11. It's going to be, "Just Desserts." That's right, a whole lotta tasty goodness. I'm doing my penance at the gym to try and counteract the number of calories I may consume baking my test recipes alone. If you want to be a guinea pig, you can come over and try 'em out.

Coincidentally, March 11 is also the day of my pregnancy test. I don't expect a "pregnant" result because it hasn't happened yet in 5 years, and I have a feeling it's going to be an uphill battle, but I'm not going to let it get me down. I'll keep going to the gym, burning some calories, and getting better at cooking and baking.

I'll continue going to school, doing my day job, and playing Mafia Wars on the down low. What?

I Heard it Through the Grapevine

2010-02-25T11:54:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of your children spill a secret to the rest of the world, a secret that you weren't ready to share? I myself, have not, but I'm sure some of my readers have had loose lips sink their ships, or at the very least that let the cat out of the bag a bit earlier than was desired.

*As a younger lad, a little someone I know from work did that to his parents in a public place. He outed his parents to a family member. "Mommy has as baby in her belly!" he whispered. Wow! What a revelation. Bam. There it is. The chips are on the table and the cards are down. Baby number XYZ is on its way! And then you don't say anything to anybody, so that it doesn't get around, but you smile inside, with the knowledge of a piece of someone's secret happiness inside you. That's pretty neat.

*Circumstances have been changed to protect the identity of the actual people in this story.

I Have Discovered that I Do NOT Want to be a Nanny.

2010-02-21T08:36:00.001-05:00

After going for my first nannying interview via http://www.nannies4hire.com/ (a very reputable website) I began to ponder the implications of an hour plus round-trip drive four days a week, the gas money required to make said trip, and the duties I would be performing for about four children, and I thought to myself: "Self! If you take this job, you will be giving up your free time in the evenings and Saturdays and you will be spending more money than you will be saving."

Any nannying position I would find would be found in the same vicinity (where people can afford to hire nannies) and the trip and duties just became less attractive the more I thought about it, so sadly, I let the family know of my decision, apologized for any inconvenience it may have caused them, and I withdrew my application from Nannies4hire.com

Next opportunity to explore....tutoring. I wonder what the going rate for a tutor in our area is...if they have a teaching certification and an M.Ed.

Hmmm....I'll have to investigate and let you know. If you think you know...feel free to share.

Hysterosalpingogram

2010-02-19T12:04:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer: This is not an image of my parts. What you are looking at is an xray of radioactive iodine solution being injected into a uterus and fallopian tubes and it's spilling out of the ovaries (indicating no blockage and clear passage).

The Hysterosalpingogram turned out to be less scary than originally anticipated (after my Hysteroscopy). I arrived at 10:20 a.m. (I was supposed to get there by 10:00 for paperwork etc. but I got caught in traffic. Someone was trying to cut a tree down and forgot to tell my GPS to send me another way.). I got to the parking garage, and wound all the way around to almost the top floor to find a spot. I made it into the hospital, and found the information desk which directed me to radiology, where I signed a couple of forms, was shown to a dressing room that has seen better days, had a 3-4 minute wait, and then the radiologist came to get me.

The HSG began like a pap smear again, speculum etc. The radiologist then put this long syringe with a tube attached instead of a needle and they put that up inside, I then scooched back about 3 ft. and he got me centered under the xray machine. Then he injected the dye. I got to watch the dye successfully circulate up into my uterus and out BOTH of my fallopian tubes. This is what I wanted to see happen. No pain, no cramps, and a good result. Back to Abington tomorrow for bloodwork!

Hysteroscopy

2010-02-17T22:50:00.001-05:00

I did it. I got my uterus powerwashed. No. Not really. It was really a Hysteroscopy. A Hyster--oooo, what? That's right. I said it. A Hy----ster----o----scopy. It uses a speculum, telescroping camera, sterile saline solution and pain to give the doctor a view of the inside of your uterus.

I'll save you the long laborious story about the drive down, the search for suite 35 and the misfiling of my patient file, not to mention the marathon wait in the waiting room. I'll skip to the part where I accidentally left my fertility folder paperwork and completed patient quesitonnaire in one of the unisex bathrooms at the surgical center. Yeah. Oops.

Good thing I remembered it...after I was already called away from the waiting room vending machine to the pre-op room. I dashed out of pre-op, waited for the restroom to free up (doing a little foot stomping dance of irritation for the person in their to hurry up), and then dashed back in, folder in hand.

Despite the wait, the staff was really great from intake (AnneMarie) to recovery (Sally). The wonderful angels in nurses outfits in the operating room were AMAZING. They all had hairnets that matched mine...with tropical palm trees on them. A nurse named Christa held my hand the whole time. That was her job, to talk to me and reassure me to keep me occupied and distracted as much as possible, to get my mind off the pain happening in my innermost never-neverland.

I'm free bird from the waist down, wrapped in a short robe. They helped me up on the table after introducing me to the group. They covered me in warmed blankies and then I got into position on the table. The nurse showed me the remote control for the operating table. This baby had more bells and whistles than a craftmatic adjustable bed. I ended up on my back, head lower than my body, legs up in calf-to-ankle stirrups, legs belted in, with a drape over my pieces parts. Totally vulnerable and nervous.

I got to watch the procedure on a TV screen. I couldn't watch the whole thing though, because of the pain!!! I had to lie back down and do some controlled breathing to work through the cramping. I had a bloodpressure cuff on my arm and pulse-o-meter on my finger. I could hear my heartbeat accelerate with the pain and stress. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life! I am so thankful for Christa! As soon as that water pressure went away, the cramps began to diminish. I have to admit. There were a few tears on my face by the end.

I got some souvenir photos out of the deal. The doctor did some laproscopy while he was in there. He got rid of a polyup for me. He said he thinks it's benign. When he did the laproscopy and the biopsy it hurt a bit. The worst was the water pressure. The evil powerwasher. My uterus got a little riled up under pressure, but the doc says it's healthy. So there you go.

After all that, I don't even want to think about the HSG. I think it's supposed to be worse. :(

If You Were Me...What Would YOU Do?

2010-02-16T22:21:00.001-05:00

If you were me, what would you do? I need to make some money to supplement my income. I'm looking at a few different options and I want to solicit your feedback/opinion on some choices. You may even be so bold to make your own suggestions.

Option #1. I'm considering becoming a Pampered Chef consultant. I like quite a few of their products, but not all of them. I've been wanting to expand my cooking repetoire and this is a great incentive to do so. I'm just worried I won't devote enough time to grow my business or I'll spend too much money on increasing my business instead of banking it. It's definitely a commitment to consider. If you do well, you can grow your own team, develop a good client list, and you can go on trips etc. This job also hones your marketing skills and confidence! Would YOU have a PC party with me as your hostess with the mostess?

Option #2. Tutoring. I have the degree, the challenge will be building a client list. Any ideas?

Option #3. Babysitting/Nannying. I almost have an interview for this Friday after school. I am waiting for a confirmation. It would be steady work.

So I'm curious as to your thoughts on each of these endeavors.

Let the Nail Biting Begin

2010-02-15T16:11:00.000-05:00

Well...I went for my second ultrasound today at the fertility clinic. I was wanded by a nice nurse named Gina. At the end of the visit, I picked up a prescription for the Chlomid Challenge Test and one for an antibiotic to go along with my two other diagnostic testing procedures that I just confirmed for this week. They were scheduled for me at an appointed time. No shillyshallying around with appointment times.

I admit I panicked a bit with the prescriptions. Our pharmacy is typically a mail-order deal. I needed to start the Chlomid today. A nice pharmacist at our Walgreens helped me out immensely by talking to my insurance company and they were able to get me the generic Chlomid for $5.00. Thank you Diptka!

Wednesday will be the first test- the Hysteroscopy. They'll use a scope to evaluate the inside of my uterus for polyps, fibroids, and/or scar tissue. I'll be at a surgical center for that one.

Friday I'll have the Hysterosalpingogram or HSG (dye study). This test evaluates your fallopian tubes and the shape of my uterus. That one will be done in a radiology dept.

Saturday morning, I'll be back at Abington again, bright and early for another blood draw.

Early Monday morning will be another ultrasound and another blood draw before work. That will conclude the first round of testing. At that point, they will schedule a sit down with hubby and I to give us their opinion on the best course of treatment.

The antibiotic is to prevent infection from the Hysterosalpingogram and the Hysteroscopy. I'll be vigilant for fever, bad pain, or bleeding. Boo on those things!

I'll let you know how things go!

Diagnostic Fiddledeedee

2010-02-12T13:11:00.000-05:00

Well, Wednesday night came and so did the curse. I called the fertility clinic, that was closed due to the storm, but I left them a message with my Day One status. They called me back on Thursday to schedule a blood test for Friday, and an ultrasound and discussion (my word) on Monday. I assume they'll tell me what to do next at that meeting. Let the diagnostic testing begin!

I'm reading through my papers from the clinic and they are supposed to do a baseline transvaginal ultrasound and bloodwork on cycle day 2 or 3 of your menses. They scheduled my bloodwork for Day 2 and my ultrasound for Day 5. I just called and left a message at the nurse's station. Chlomid Challenge Test blood draws will be taken on cycle Days 3 and 10. I am supposed to take two Chlomid tablets (or more likely the generic form of the drug) by mouth on cycle Days 5 through 9 (which will probably not be those exact days either seeing as I'm visiting the doctor's office again on Day 5 and they don't get you the mail-order drugs that fast. I hate poor communication. No one has said, "It doesn't need to be exactly on such and such a day." I wish they would, so I wouldn't feel anxious about doing things on the WRONG DAYS. Argh! (See, I'm turning into a pirate again.)

Did you know that at the clinic (I keep calling it that. It sounds so cheap and back-alley, seedy) you only sign in with your FIRST name and that no one makes eye contact in the waiting room? It's the strangest thing. I keep thinking about what that's supposed to mean. These women are grieving and they're going through this stressful process, hoping that there will be one or more babies at the end of this very long and painful journey. I did notice they have a support group. Perhaps I shall join.

They all have a story to keep to themselves. I almost said, "to tell" but no one in there was talking about it... We're all in there for the same thing people! BABIES! So when I smile at you next time, smile back. I won't bite...I promise! ARGH! Just kidding. I'm not reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally a pirate.

When they called my name, I gave my blood, like a good girl, but I was a bit squeemish about it. It was a good stick. The gal who took my blood noticed that I didn't watch the needle go in and that my cheeks had some color. I said to her, "I suppose I should get used to this, right?" She smiled in agreement. It's a good thing I have good veins.

So....Monday. I will go back for my baseline trans-va-jay-jay ultrasound wanding. I've had them before, but there's always something a little nerve wracking about getting prodded with a large, member-sized wand in a delicate area, by a man that is not my husband. No joke. Well, joking aside, it is professionally done, with a nurse in the room etc. I'll just be glad when it's over.

One day, I hope to hold my baby to my breast and know that all the tears, the needle sticks, the hormone surges and the pain was all worth it. Do you hear that child-to-be?! I love you already.

Enjoying the Gift

2010-02-10T13:58:00.001-05:00

I was listening to The Eurhythmics, dancing around in my bright yellow rubber gloves, sponge in hand, and cleaning my bathroom sink when I suddenly started thinking about how I'm in my 30's and still enjoying many of the the freedoms of my 20's.

Sure, I now have indigestion if I eat anything after 8:00 PM, and I no longer possess the ability to stay up late and not reap the consequences, but I can still pretty much go do whatever I want, whenever I want, within the boundaries of work and budget.

The problem is, I don't appreciate this gift like I should. I'm still yearning for the family that I might never have, and I'm green with envy when I look at our friends and family and their growing families. I become possessed by tearful, hand-wringing bouts of self-pity and sadness. Must....snap...out of it!!!

For the next couple of days, I'm trying not to let that flame of hope burn too brightly because every month I start to think, "THIS could be the month!" and I am ALWAYS disappointed, again, and again, and....again.
In the middle of this storm, God continues to minister to my soul through music. Nothing touches my heart and sends my spirit soaring like worship.

Thank you God for sending me songs that minister to my hurts, time and time again, just when I need them. Thank you for a brief glimpse from the mountaintop...so often I look up from the valley. I praise you God for snowstorms that keep me inside, and that help me to reflect on the deeper things of life. I thank you for Christian radio (The Word FM), and for phone calls with my Mom.

This weekend we are having our extended family portrait taken (on my husband's side of our family). I choose to be thankful that I have such a lovely family to be a part of. I will concentrate on how much I love them, trying to forget that I have put all my weight back on, that my clothes are old, that my roots are four inches long, and that again, I will be captured in my perpetual, childless state. I will paste a smile on my face, dab on some make-up and go on and hopefully, I'll have a change of attitude to accompany one in perspective.

I will find my happy place. I have a home, food, use of all my limbs, my health, an education, and people that love me. I am rich indeed, childless, but rich, well...relatively speaking. It's all about perspective. Now THAT'S a gift!

How Do YOU Stay Organized?

2010-01-28T21:37:00.002-05:00

I was just contemplating how much I enjoy the feeling I get after I clean and organize my desk at work, or after I empty the dishwasher in the kitchen, or after I've folded that pile of laundry that's been laughing at me for days. We don't have any kids so I can afford to let it sit there for awhile and I don't have to fold it, if I don't want to. But, I eventually have to do it, or it doesn't get done. That's just the way of things.

Now I don't know about you, but I think that you'll agree, one gets a sense of control and of satisfaction after one organizes something, well, anything for that matter. At college, I could not study until my dorm room was clean. And after it WAS clean, I got this blooming feeling of satisfaction, that I had a margin of control over one small area of my life and that I could move forward now as a result. I could study and actually concentrate, not having to ponder the mess around me. I wasn't in the eye of a storm, I was in a tranquil bastion of organization, protected from an evil horde of distraction and chaos.

I happen to like a good accordian file for manuals, warranty info and tax documents. I enjoy bookshelves for my books, and trunks for blankets and board games. Small appliances go on my metal kitchen rack. Tin foil, wax paper, and zip lock bags are in a drawer. All my baking products are in labeled Tupperware above my stove and all my frequently used items are in my pantry at eye level. These are just a few of the things I do to stay organized.

Something else I like to do to stay organized is to make an Excel spreadsheet with addresses that I can use for party invitations or Christmas cards, which I can easily update. Keeping information or music electronically, (as long as you back it up on a flash drive or CD) is a great way to avoid using gobs of paper, and the waste of physcial space that CD's or DVD's would usually necessitate.

Now that I've shared, do you have any organizational tips to share?

El Cactus and the Bermuda Triangle

2010-01-25T22:16:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been to a restaurant and had bad service? I was looking forward to a night out with the girls at a new Mexican restaurant we'd heard was hot shizzle. I was looking forward to maybe a little Mexican coffee with the chocolate and cinnamon in it, maybe a margarita, some chips and salsa, but I was DENIED all three.

#1. BYOB. #2. The waitress was too lazy to make any coffee ("Yeah.... We don't have any," said the waitress.) And oh, by the way, #3. We had to remind the waitress (twice) to bring us the traditional chips and salsa appetizer. Have you ever been ravenously hungry and gone to a Mexican restaurant where it seemed every other table but yours already had their chips and salsa, including the people that were seated 10 minutes after you? Yeah. We had to ask twice for the chips and salsa. Did this girl want a tip?

She even took her ciggy break out in front of the restaurant bringing the acrid smell of ciggies and the cold with her when she breezed back into the restaurant. This girl LOOKED like she didn't care, head to toe.

My friends (whom I shall refer to as Friend-on-the-Right and Friend-on-the-Left) and I began to think we were in the restaurant's dead zone: the place where all things lost and forgotten go hungry and not get any service. We were the "Bermuda Triangle" of El Cactus. I started calling my Friend-on-the-Right "Amelia" (AKA Amelia Earhart) and she couldn't think of anyone else that had gotten lost there, so she volunteered to call me the Lindberg Baby. We all cackled one great, witchy laugh at the insanity of it all. There should have been a cauldron on the table.

The food was OK, but it wasn't our fave. We split a fried ice-cream which was obviously prepared way in advance. It was cold, and the fried shell was a little stale. Friend-on-the-right called it freeze fried ice-cream. More cackling. We still left a tip. Would you have left one? I'm curious.

Day One: First Appt. With Fertility Doctor

2010-01-18T18:52:00.000-05:00

My husband and I visited Abington Reproductive Medicine's Lansdale office today for our first infertility appt. We showed up early to fill out new patient paperwork (just before 9:30 a.m.), but we weren't actually seen by the doctor until 45 minutes after our scheduled appt. of 10:00 a.m. The doctor was both kind and apologetic.

We haven't been diagnosed yet as we're in the preliminary testing phase of our journey. I have no expectations beyond wanting to know why we haven't been able to conceive. We both gave blood samples and urine samples, being tested for everything from disease to genetic mutations. I also had a vaginal ultrasound and the doctor said everything looked OK from the images we saw. He took time to explain everything on the screen. It was neat. Both Jeff and a nurse were present at the time.

We were given, #1. paperwork by the office manager, including instructions/information on upcoming tests that needed to be done, #2. a run down on how to contact our insurance company to see if our pharmaceutical plan included coverage for various fertility drugs, #3. instructions to contact our insurance company to figure out our coverage for fertility procedures (i.e. responsibility, 90/10, 80/20, 100% or no coverage). Abington had contacted our insurance company ahead of time and determined some of that information, but we had to confirm and to clarify the rest. Jeff spent alot of time on the phone with the pharmaceutical people (2 different calls) to try and determine our fertility drug coverage, another phone call with the insurance company to determine coverages for fertility procedures and our deductible, and a call to the doctor's office to let them know how it was going.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're thinking about going to see what your options are, you'll need to be prepared to bring your driver's license and provide your social security number, employer information etc. and sign a hippa form. Gentlemen get to provide a semen sample (can set an appt. to provide at the office or to set an appt. to bring one in), get a blood test, and give a urine sample as well as provide their medical history. Ladies also provide a blood test, urine sample, and medical history. Both must provide information on family medical history as well. My docs wanted to know if my periods were regular, when I first started my period, the date of my last period and when my mother entered menopause.

Our nurse told us she'll only call with results if something is wrong, and that at the end of all the tests, we'll get an appt. to discuss all the results at once. I still have three tests to go: the Clomid Challenge Test, the Hysterosalpingogram or HSG Test, and a Hysteroscopy.

The Clomid Challenge Test involves taking Clomid and seeing how my body responds to it in egg quality and quantity production. I get a blood test to measure my follicle stimulating hormone or FSH level.

The HSG (HIS-ta-ro-sal-PING-o-gram) is a test that lets your doctor examine the inside walls of your uterus and fallopian tubes using dye and x-rays. It's done at a hospital in the radiology dept.

The Hysteroscopy lets your doctor examine the inside walls of your uterus. It uses sterile salt water and a tiny telescope to visualize the inside of your uterus. The doctor also perform an endometrial biopsy to rule out an infection or an inflammation of the uterine lining. It's usually done at a surgical center.

When I reach Day 1 of my next cycle (aka when my tampon is full) then I call the doctor's office to schedule a test. I'll let you know how it goes.

Another Correlation or Two

2010-01-14T07:59:00.001-05:00

Do you remember that tape I told you about? It was the one from Oct. 2005 that had my Grammy speaking to her bible study on it. Well, Grammy's old church came through again (thank you Martha), and I was sent a CD that I can now share with friends and family.

I was listening to it the other night through laughter and tears as I heard Grammy talk about her love of God and her desire that we too desire to know him more. She talked about coming to Christ in her 20's and about the ebb and flow of her relationship and repeated attempts to get into a groove of reading her bible. God's people get to know him well by spending time with him, by reading his word. We talk to him in prayer, and we listen for him to answer.

Wouldn't you know it, the Pioneer Girl's lesson that I taught last night, was on Getting to Know God. It was unreal. The gist of the lesson was to explore how our desire to get to know someone can lead to a relationship that can affect us profoundly. When we hang around people, they influence us. We take on their characteristics. Our relationship with God can bless us.

Here's the third point of correlation. LOL. At small group, we were talking about building our house on the rock, not on the sand. We talked about having, you guessed it....an authentic relationship with God that will help us through the storm.

Get to know him. John 3:16. Chapter and verse. He's the only God that died for you.

Julia Child's Beef Bourguignon and Chocolate Almond Cake with Butter Frosting

2010-01-10T16:34:00.003-05:00

I've watched Julie and Julia three times now between the movie theatre and the DVD. It was only a matter of time before I would try to make Julia Child's Beef Bourguignon and her Chocolate Almond Cake with her Butter Frosting. Who am I kidding except myself? I needed the appropriate motivation to begin this endeavor, which I found in the guise of my foodie friend Christy.

It had been awhile since we had spoken, and while we were chatting on the phone and pondering our next get together, on a whim I suggested we make Julia's Beef Bourguignon. We set the date. At the appointed time, Christy brought her Le Creuset, French oven and all the ingredients and went to work. I began to document our adventure with my camera when Christy pulled out Julia's cake and frosting recipes and said she thought we could use a nice dessert to go with the meal. We exchanged a smile, both thinking of that scene from the movie where Julie's husband starts eating the cake with his bare hands, sans fork.

I began to make the cake while Christy continued with the main dish. While we were working, I couldn't help but admire the cooking saavy of my friend. Mouthwatering smells filled the air, seared beef, sauteed onions and mushrooms, and the scent of melting chocolate. Christy knew the terminology and what would happen if you manipulated ingredients, temperature and time. Long story short, I learned quite a bit that day, like the fact that preparation plus determination and hard work yield a world of meaty deliciousness followed by a velvetey and chocolatey ending. Yummo.

As an added bonus, my ambitious friend organized my pantry and cooking appliance rack while we waited for the meal to finish cooking. She orgnaizes as a side-business while she's waiting for a contracted teaching job, in addition to nannying. Did I mention that she's really good at it?

It was a food-friendly, fellowshipy, organizationally fantastic kind of day!

Lemony Snicket and A Series of Unfortunate Events

2009-12-28T19:03:00.002-05:00

I enjoy the mystery surrounding Mr. Lemony Snicket: the fact that the pictures of the author are always blurry or that they hide his face in some way. One always glimpses him from a distance or in part, but the whole is never to be revealed. We all enjoy a little mystery. It keeps us guessing.

His 13 well-loved and admired books chronicling the lives of the three Baudelaire orphans: Violet, Klaus and baby sister Sunny, lead readers on an imaginative and unfortunate journey that one is often tempted to put down for fear of arriving at a morose and regretful ending. The author encourages the reader to put the book down various times, and to not even to continue to read it, if one will be disappointed or put out by unhappy endings, for each story is about all the bad things that happen to these children, beginning with the untimely death of their wealthy parents.

There are consistent themes that I have found to appear in his books. One is that grown-ups do not listen to what children have to say and are easily duped by the bad guy. Another is that families stick together through it all and that despite the awfulness of life, we should never give up on fighting the good fight.

He is vaguely described at the back of each book, in the description of the author:

"Lemony Snicket was born in a mall town where the inhabitants were suspicious and prone to riot. He now lives in the city. During his spare time he gathers evidence and is considered something of an expert by leading authorities."

His books are dedicated in beloved ways to "Beatrice." I've only read two of his books and have yet to begin the third, but I just know that Beatrice was a special woman and that Lemony must miss her and mourns her still. By way of example,

Book the First: The Bad Beginning
"To Beatrice--- darling, dearest, dead.

Book the Second: The Reptile Room
"For Beatrice--- My love for you shall live forever. You, however, did not."

Book the Third: The Wide Window
"For Beatrice--- I would much prefer if you were alive and well."

His books introduce children to different popular phrases, cliches and vocabulary, which are then defined and used in the author's writings to enhance the vocabulary of the reader, in an entertaining and interesting fashion. The man, is quite witty.

Mr. Snicket's website lemonysnicket.com holds many treasures including video clips, games, book excerpts, and information on the author and illustrator.

If I could pick a handful of people, with whom I could enjoy a cup of tea and an intimate chat, this author would make the list. This entry is dedicated to you Lemony. Wherever and whomever you are. Thanks for putting pen to paper. Enjoy your time on Bela's yacht and keep gazing at your faded photograph of Beatrice. I'm sure you miss her still, like I miss my loved one.

A How-to "Thank You" Note

2009-12-26T13:12:00.002-05:00

Before your presents can be thoroughly enjoyed, thanks should be given to the giver. And I'm not just talking about the initial, vocal "thank you!" that one exclaims upon opening one's gifts. I'm talking about the snail mail labor of love that you thoughfully write, stamp and post after the festivities are over.

I am so thankful that I was taught to write thank you cards to people when they give me gifts. Sure, when you were little, it wasn't always FUN to write the notes when you'd rather be playing with the gifts, but a little delayed gratification didn't hurt.

Check out this link on how to write a good thank you note that will be appreciated by whoever receives it!

Prize-Winning Fruit

2009-12-14T13:42:00.001-05:00

Why do I feel slightly more wise this morning? Is it because I'm drinking coffee from my Houghton Class of '99 coffee mug? Nope. I think it's because I'm spending some time in the Word this morning.

Do you ever think about what it takes to raise prize winning fruit? You must start with good seed, fertile soil, and take extra special care of your plants so that they can produce that blue ribbon fruit. But how does the Gardner do it?

In my Bible this afternoon, I read about Jesus teaching his disciples about the Vine and the Branches and it led me to understand more about how God shapes us as we remain in Jesus and allow him to nourish us.

Jesus Teaches about the Vine and the Branches
John 15:1-17 NIV

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cutsoff every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

Jesus is our vine and we grow as part of him, as his branches. Father God is our gardener. Gardners care for plants. God sees us as an extension of his Son Jesus and he's not only watching to see that we bear fruit he's working to see that we do.

God wants us to draw our nourishment and our strength from Jesus. The Bible says we can't bear fruit unless we remain in the vine (v.4). But, even if we are bearing fruit we still get cut back. He is still going to take his shears to us. And the shears he uses are sharp. Have you ever tried to cut something with a dull knife? If you had, you'd discover that you usually don't get a clean cut. Dull tools make your work harder and if you use them, what you're cutting gets crushed, torn or damaged. Praise the Lord that his tools are sharp! The Bible says God prunes us. Now, Father God the Gardener prunes his branches to direct their growth.

I did some research to find out the reasons why gardeners prune. Here's what one internet site told me:

Any overgrown, or struggling plant will benefit from a little pruning. Even a healthy plant benefits by a trimming from time to time. It doesn't matter whether it's a tree or a shrub, a bush, flowers, or your vegetable plants. They all benefit by pruning and trimming.

With few exceptions, plants can be pruned anytime during the year. Pruning makes your plant look better and feel better too! It allows the plants "support system" to send vital energy and nutrients a smaller area and to newer, more vigorous growth. The result.......a lusher, healthier, and better looking plant!

There are several reasons to prune plants:

To remove dead , weak, or unsightly branches.
To re-invigorate plant growth...new leaves and branches grow faster.
To reshape the plant into a more desirable shape.
To produce denser, bushier appearance.
To thin out growth, providing more air circulation and light.
To limit plant size.

Let's examine these reasons to prune.

"To remove dead, weak, or unsightly branches." If you don't have a pulse, you're nigh on to getting there, or you are spiritually an ugly person, look out! God is coming to garden in your heart.

"To re-invigorate plant growth." If you've been spiritually stagnate and you haven't experienced growth in your life, you better take a good long look in the mirror and think about why that might be. Are you in the Word? Are you praying? Are you in fellowship with other believers? Do you even remember what the vine looks like?

"To reshape the plant into a more desirable shape." You might be growing yourself ugly. You might be shooting out a branch here and another over here and then looking up at God and saying, "How 'bout this Lord?" And God picks up his shears and says, "How about you let me take over and shape you into the image of my Son?"

"To produce denser, bushier appearance." Some people are just throwing shoots off in all directions instead of concentrating on growing strong in a couple of areas. They're spreading themselves too thin. God wants his branches strong so that they can withstand all kinds of weather, so he picks up his shears, and trims us back so that we can grow strong and sturdy in him.

"To thin out growth, providing more circulation and light." Sometimes we're just too darn thick. We are so thick, we're choking ourselves to death. We have too much going on and we're literally killing ourselves. We don't have room to breath, and one thing is pressing on another and nothing is healthy in our lives. God steps in and makes room for that his life-giving light and air to circulate and give us what we need.

"To limit plant size." Finally, God doesn't want us getting to big for our pots or for our flower bed. If we start getting too big for our britches, God prunes us back not just for our own good, but for the good of our neighbors. He doesn't want us to overcrowd, or become malnourished or over-reach our boundaries he has put there for the health of the plant. Wild, untamed plants seem more like weeds than objects of beauty and fruitfulness. God trims us back to limit our size. He knows how big we should be.

If we eventually fail to bear fruit, we get cut off, we are left to wither and then we are thrown into the fire (v.6). I don't know about you, but I think I would rather be cut back than cut off. I'm going to start looking to the vine for nourishment and welcome the Gardner's shears, trusting that what he does in my life is for my growth and benefit. I want to remain in Jesus and trust that the food he provides me with, will help me to bear much fruit, so that one day, the Gardner will see my prize-winning fruit and be proud of me.

It Doesn't Feel Like Christmas

2009-12-12T19:59:00.001-05:00

The longer you live, the more opportunities you have to encounter bad things and dark valleys. Things like infertitlity, poverty, joblessness and the deaths of friends and loved ones. On November 27th I lost my Grammy, and yesterday, December 11th an old classmate and team mate from HFL, Brooke and her fiance Tristan were killed in a traffic accident that killed two others and left a third in critical condition. Additionally yesterday, my Dad's best friend from high school took his own life in front of his daughter in the midst of an argument.

I'm working on cold number two in as many weeks, and we're short on money. This year, no Christmas tree, no presents and our computer died taking my entire I-Tunes and most of my photography library with it (back your shizzle up on CD people).

I mentioned that my Grammy passed away. Last night, before I got the news of the traffic fatalities and the suicide, I was trying to listen to a cassette tape recording of my Grammy preaching at a womens' bible study at Penn Yan Bible Church. I really wanted to hear her voice and hear her testimony. One minute into her oration, the tape was eaten by the machine. My husband managed to extract the tape, with minor damage and I called the church and they're trying to locate the master tape to make me a CD copy. I left them my number so that they could call me to let me know if they have any luck finding the tape.

Wednesday night, I gave a message to the Pioneer Girls about God making good things out of bad things. I can't wait to see what he does with the last several months. Bring it on Abba Father!

"Christ" is a Dirty Word in School

2009-12-11T11:56:00.003-05:00

The more I look around and the older I get, the more I notice how Christmas is dissipating, dissolving into commercial nothingness, its historical roots passing into history. Kids don't go to Sunday school anymore so they don't know their Bibles or about Christ's birth or the reason he came to Earth. And we aren't allowed to mention him in schools. "Christ" is a dirty word at school.

We can't have Christmas trees anymore, we have mitten trees and holiday trees, but no mention of Christmas. We can't risk showing favoritism and neglecting other holidays, be they newly made up or traditional. Now we have winter break instead of Christmas vacation. How sad that Christ isn't BEING erased from our schools, he HAS been erased.

And another thing. It's not cool to be "moral" anymore, (tolerant yes, but moral no) because having a sense of morality is akin to being judgemental. The world says, "Anything Goes" as long as we aren't hurting anybody or telling anybody else what to do. You turn a blind eye to me and I probably won't sue you. Because if I do something nasty, and raunchy it's my choice to parade it in front of you (Adam Lambert) and your choice not to watch (it's your fault you weren't expecting it). Don't judge me because of my personal expression and political statement or I'll accuse you of discrimination. No thanks, Adam. I decidedly DON'T like your kind of entertainment.

Having a sense of right and wrong, what some call a moral compass, is frowned upon. Political correctness is a democracy...the mainstream acceptance/tolerance of all things morally abhorant will mean our undoing. The old expression "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything," holds true. 'Nough said. Seasons Greetings? I think not. Merry Christmas!

P.S. Thanks for being tolerant of my post. I appreciate it.

Chain of Frustrations

2009-11-08T11:11:00.001-05:00

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! (NOT A PIRATE VOICE)

I am so very frustrated right now. (My single friends...I sympathize with you now).

My car needs work.
I can't work or go anywhere important without a car (work, church, grocery store, clothes shopping).
To get work done on your car, you need to have your registration card, which I have lost (first time ever).
To request a duplicate registration card, you need to fill out a paper application and mail it in with a check to the DMV. You'd think they would make this an online transaction, but NO.

I don't have a working printer to print said application because we haven't hooked the new one up yet.
My appt. is Monday at 8 a.m. at the car place. A paper application will take awhile to be processed and returned. In the meantime, no card, no work on your car, no go to work, no grocery shopping, no food.

It couldn't be as simple as requesting a duplicate online!!!! They don't even let you do that! I wouldn't care so much if Jeff were home to hook up the new printer, and I could have his car to get places.
I'm feeling very passionate right now. Can you tell?

I'm thinking of that country song, "Sounds Like Life to Me" by Darryl Worely

I'll just share the choruses with you.

"(Chorus)

Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

(Chorus)

Sounds like life to me plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life
Man I know its tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
Sounds like life to me
Sounds like life."

It's life and in the meantime, you gotta suck it up and deal. But how do you "deal" when you can't pay your bills unless you're working. Why must we be chained to our cars?

Going to Seed...

2009-11-07T20:41:00.001-05:00

When two people join together in holy matrimony, inevitably some parts of their personalities learn to ride back seat to others as they try and live in harmony with eachother. These parts are a piece of their individual egos. Those sunken personality traits tend to resurface for air when the couple is apart for extended periods of time. If one partner passes away, the change becomes more permanent.

I've seen it happen to grandparents in the later situation and to myself in the former, whenever hubby is away from home. I become like my old self; a spark of who I used to be when I was single. Sometimes I miss those parts of my personality and it's good to remember what it felt like to live the single life and to not have to care about how your actions affect the life of your spouse. It feels good to be able to be selfish every once in awhile.

On weekends when my husband and I are apart, It's like a slow awakening to a reunion with an old friend. I feel like I miss the old me; the one that felt more alive, was more vivacious and spontaneous. I also cared more about how I looked, the clothes I wore, and my overall appearance.

We don't all go to seed when we get married, but some of us do, and I kinda feel like I've let myself go, physically, emotionally, confidence-wise. Hear that? It's the world's smallest violin...playing a sad song for me. OK, it's over now. :)

Old Faces, New Places

2009-10-22T20:41:00.001-04:00

It's pretty nice to be liked by your students; to see their faces light up with recognition and loudly whisper to one another..."Mrs. Schoonover's here!" like you were a celebrity or Santa Claus.

This afternoon I had the opportunity to sub a half-day in my old stomping grounds; the building where I did my substitute teaching. In fact, I was in the classroom across the hall from where I taught the 4th grade. Today, my students were fifth graders and I have to say, fifth grade was enjoyable.

Not only was I pumped to sub in a classroom where I knew I would run into some of my old students, but I was also subbing for a teacher whom I admire and aspire to emulate; someone who has attained a level of teaching greatness I endeavor to achieve. Mrs. "M" is one, savvy lady.

This woman knows her shizzle and she had an awesome group of students. As a sub, walking into a well-managed classroom is like a soothing balm to the soul. You know within the first five minutes in a classroom what your day will be like and this woman's classroom was balmalicious. Organized materials, left a nice, clear lesson plan, helpful kids, and established routines. Fabuloso!

To say I had a great afternoon would be an understatement. These kids were wonderful to teach. It just ROCKS to have a good day!

Barren Grief

2009-10-19T19:12:00.006-04:00

Whatdoyasay when people innocently inquire, "When are you going to have kids?"
And you want to, but you can't?

Maybe someday.

Whatdoyoudo when you're still waiting to be able to tell people you're the one who is pregnant,
And every other woman you are close to has already said it,
at least once
And they're younger than you?

It's just not our turn, again.

How much longer do you try and wait before you give up hope and admit your own barrenness?

This is never going to happen for us.

How can you look your husband in the eye,
Knowing you can never give him children?

What's wrong with me?

What's it like to feel like you're excluded from the Mommy club, or that you can't participate in a conversation about your kids when it's the dominant topic of conversation at most social gatherings for women your age?

I sit there silently, trying to smile and contribute something. Anything!

I crawl inside myself and hide there behind a smile. Don't ask me how I'm doing because I'll tell you what you want to hear, not what I'm dying to scream at you. Waves of grief wash over me and recede.

I wish I didn't want this so badly, then disappointment couldn't cut my heart so deeply.

6th vs. 8th Grade Language Arts

2009-10-08T15:50:00.005-04:00

I had a half day in a sixth grade language arts class yesterday (Wed.) and enjoyed it. Today I had a half day of 8th grade language arts and it was a different experience. I have discovered that 8th graders can't be allowed to work in groups, at least until you know them better and know who they can and can't work with and still stay quiet and productive. Individual work time is best!

I got the call around 9:30 a.m. at that I was needed at 11:20 a.m. I got to the school early and they seemed excited to see me in the office, I soon learned it was because my class started at 11:05 a.m. and they wouldn't have to get coverage for me.I was literally walking up to the classroom, many of the kids were already inside and there was an adult there with them that kept them occupied while I scrambled (in a calm authoritative manner) to find and read the lesson plans.

After the first class I knew what to do, and more important, what not to do. The second class went more smoothly than the last and then we had the third class with quite a few challenging students in it. Most of them stayed for a study hall period called "Trail" which got rowdy. It would have been good to know in advance that they weren't supposed to work in groups for Trail, only in pairs. I didn't know this until the end of the day, when I finally had time to read the rest of the instructions to the sub. It was a "wing it" kind of day.

PM homeroom followed and the students were at the end of their ropes as I was at the end of mine. Is it OK to crawl into a little ball and chant, "there's no place like home" repeatedly, when you're the adult?

There were no bells to signal the beginning or end of class. THAT was annoying.

Tomorrow is another day, this one will last all day instead of a "half" day. I'll be teaching science, which should be fun, but I don't know the grade level or anything else for that matter. It's the "not knowing" part that is so difficult. I almost think I could handle teaching middle school students if I had my own class where I could set up my own rules and procedures.

Into the unknown once again, on the morrow!

Full Day, 1st Grade

2009-10-05T17:51:00.006-04:00

I took an assignment last night at a new elementary school, an older building, but closer to home. It was my first time in first grade and I met the teacher who was finishing up her lesson prep. as I arrived. She was obviously not feeling well, but she was very nice and showed me where everything was. That was nice!

She gave me a heads up about two students in my class. One of them was known by many other teachers. We'll call him Tishon. He was diagnosed with "Oppositional Defiant Disorder"

Tishon was actually absent the first part of the day, but arrived before lunch. This boy needs love, structure and discipline. He missed the first part of the day, and was out of routine, which put him off schedule and into a bad temper. He had trouble with everything, and every little thing set him off. He needs behavior therapy to learn how to deal with disappointment. Don't we all? To top it all off, his aide was not there today.

I don't know whether it was a coincidence that the two boys that had the hardest time behaving in class today, also went to after school Kids Care at the end of the school day.

My second little guy who had a hard time was Liam. I made him my helper today. He and Tishon did NOT get along and were at eachother during carpet time, and in the line. I learned to separate them quickly. Liam was very concerned with fairness, as was Tishon. They were tit for tat, those two. Two volatile commodities that I needed to keep apart or there would be inevitable fireworks. But I loved them both. I cannot tell you the amount of compassion that overflows out of me for these boys.

Lessons learned:

Ask the right kids for help

Make the attention seekers your helpers and teach them patience, discipline and self-control.

First graders love fairness and are continuing to learn about personal space and self-control.

First graders NEED routine.

"I'm standing up straight,
I'm standing up tall,
My lips are zipped and
I'm ready for the hall!"

A Day and a Half in a Multi-Handicapped Class

2009-10-01T17:52:00.000-04:00

Half day 10/1, Full day 10/2/2009

Every sub assignment brings new incites and learning experiences. I have to tell you I had the best time subbing in a multi-handicapped class for a day and a half. When you're helping kids to move around, to communicate, and to eat their lunches, it's a truly humbling experience. You really learn to be thankful and to count your blessings and you learn what it is to truly serve another human being.

These kids are dependent on their teachers and their aides for many things. It was a blessing to be in that classroom, with students who needed you,and who had the biggest smiles, even if they couldn't physically tell you "good morning" without electronic aide. They continue to focus on learning cause and effect, and that pushing a button or hitting a switch is necessary to communicate the need for help, attention, or a thought to another person.

I fed a student her lunch, I "danced" with students in their wheelchairs, I read stories, and I watched "All About Me" Power Point presentations to get to know the students. We even got to watch part of Mamma Mia. It was great! The head teacher and classroom nurse change diapers.

On my first half-day there, I was called away to sub for a half-hour in an 11th grade, honors Spanish class. The difference between the general education and honors environment is almost like night and day.

Lessons learned:

I will gladly sub in a multi-handicapped classroom.

It makes all the difference in the world if a student wants to be in school or not and if there is something in it for them.

The Hot Librarian Was Me

2009-09-25T17:55:00.000-04:00

Sept. 25, 2009

Today was my first half-day in a new elementary school and as a librarian. It was a really nice school, gorgeous library...and when I walked in, I had no idea what to do. I also had bus duty. I may have had a bun, but I wasn't wearing any glasses and no one asked me to take my hair down and to seductively ask them what the penalty for an overdue book is. This was an elementary school.

With the help of the principal, an aide and other teachers, I was able to figure out that the librarian (who had been out several days taking care of a sick parent) had a system. She had bins with books, for different grade levels that contained lesson materials for each grade level for the entire week. We were recycling lessons for the entire week as each class had this special about one time a week.

I had to do some digging to figure out where some things were (we never did figure out how to lower the projection screen)how to check out/in books, where the kindergarten name tags were for the afternoon class, and how to figure out which class on the lesson plan corresponded to actual classes coming to the library (turns out you could do this with the phone list).

After all that initial anxiety, I only had to teach a 4th grade class and a multi-handnicapped class of two students who were accompanied by aides. I was even able to set some things up for the afternoon sub before I had to leave. They asked me if I could stay for the afternoon, but I had a prior house-sitting commitment. No dice. It was a real bummer, because I could have used the money.

Lessons Learned:

Find a place to lay down your lesson plans and remember where you put it (bring a neon clip board and clip them to it for visability).

Sometimes, you can have more than one CD with a song on it with the same title, but it turns out they are different songs and the one you thought was the right one is actually, quite wrong. Don't worry, the kids will tell you if you're wrong.

Find out crucial responsibilities and make sure you have the tools you need to get them done properly.

Sometimes you will have to improvise if technology is not available to help you with whole group instruction. You will end up having to repeat yourself a lot.

See if the sub has left a list of reliable students that you can pump for info as needed. If not, single them out quickly.

Be prepared to split a large group between an activity and computers. Give directions before "off you go." LOL

Language Arts Bystander, A Tale of Two Teachers

2009-09-24T18:03:00.000-04:00

Sept. 24, 2009

After my first bad high school experience in the gen. ed. math class, I knew I had to go back the next day as a special ed. teaching sub and possibly face some of the kids from the day before that had made my life so very difficult. I had processed what I could do better next time and I was ready for the next day.

I arrived, (trying not to sweat) and I was asked to first cover a homeroom/beginning of a 9th grade science class during a teacher's IEP meeting, prior to starting my day as a special ed. teacher. I got to talk to the science teacher before she left for her meeting. She had a lesson plan (if not written down) and a seating chart. Good times!

Before the kids got there, I bounced back down to the first floor (from the third floor) to find my classroom. The teacher I am subbing for doesn't have a classroom. She floats. It turns out, I'm team teaching an English class with a regular ed. English teacher in her classroom. (Yay) and she has the plans and is teaching for the day (Woohoo) so I get to observe her and how she handles the kids (Yahoo!).

The kids really didn't seem to respect their female English teacher (talking back, eye rolling) etc. It's general education again! 10th grade this time? They were starting A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It was fun to be able to sit back and observe rather than having to teach. I got to see how another English teacher introduced a new book, and thought about how I would do it differently. I also got to observe more telling behavior of general education students. They definitely need to be involved/engaged right away and they really whine about taking notes.

Today was my reprieve from yesterday.

Lessons learned:

Teachers in neighboring classrooms can be valuable resources
Kids will do things when your back is turned
Don't allow them to write questionable answers on the board
Don't put paperclips or other things within arms reach where they can steal them
Don't put up with disrespect (students speaking after you've told them not to do something)

Sometimes You Gotta Be Self-Taught

2009-09-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

Sept. 23, 2009

Sometimes you show up for work as a sub, and you might not even really be needed. I showed up to teach a half-day of HS Social Studies, signed in at the office, got my sub packet, met the teacher and discovered he didn't need a sub. There must be a mistake. He'll call the office. "Sorry, I don't need a sub." Alrighty then. Back to the office I go.

I stay, I file, then I am asked to go to cover a math class, I survive nearly getting eaten alive by three general education math students who don't want to be there. No written lesson plan, no class list and three boys that want to play "Let's be Disobedient." A true recipe for disaster.

I have come to realize that neither of the school districts with which I am employed have any intention of teaching me, a substitute teacher how to use student "write-up forms," how to send special-ed. students to a "resolve room" or how to send general education students to in-school suspension (I.S.S.). I learned most of these terms from a conversation with another teacher.

NONE of these procedures were covered at either of my substitute orientations for either district. It's like they want the kids to eat you alive. Experience is my teacher, and she's one cold, hard (fill in the blank).

I have come to the educated conclusion that I think districts specifically don't want to have a written policy on these things because it could potentially lead to a lawsuit. That's the only logical explanation I can muster. What do you think?

Do you think it would be helpul to train teachers on the appropriate use and availability of such methods of remediation and discipline?

The Blind Trap of Last Minute Coverage

2009-09-23T18:55:00.000-04:00

09/23/2009

Things I learned from covering for a secondary Math teacher for 45 minutes

Don't agree to cover a high school or middle school class for a teacher for any length of time without being equipped with the following things in place:

1. Knowing what grades the kids are in (the secretary won't always be able to tell you if the school is huge and the special ed. dept. has recently been reorganized)
2. Having a seating chart (you need to know their names, because sometimes a snarky boy might not want to tell you his name)
3. Having a written lesson plan from the teacher (the kids sometimes pretend not to know what they are supposed to be doing, even though the teacher says they know what they are supposed to do with the rest of their time, and the teacher neglects to tell you so you know for sure)
4. Knowing which kids have IEPs in the class and what their accommodations are (who is allowed to stand up at their desk, go to the library, go to see their special ed teacher, do fewer problems etc. If you don't have access to that information, everybody gets frustrated fast. "I HATE subs. They suck!")
5. Knowing the names of their special ed teachers and their phone numbers (so you can call them to tell them you are sending a student to them who says he is allowed to do so. Call ahead to make sure the teacher is there to receive the student)
6. Asking the teacher who your discipline problem kids might be (so you know who to believe and who you need to watch like a hawk)
7. Knowing the name and extension of the nearest teacher to ask for help
8. Having the phone numbers of the nurse, office, and security readily available
9. Having a transfer of power from the teacher who is leaving to the teacher who is taking over and consequences for a poor report. "Class...this is Mrs. so and so. She will be teaching the class for (time period). You are to give her your respect, the same as you would give to me. If she gives me a poor report, writes your name down, you will automatically receive (2) detention(s). Is this understood? Good. Mrs. so and so, the class is yours. Have a great afternoon!"
10. Remembering to have discipline reports at your fingertips and to fill out that sub report at the end of the day (sometimes you aren't given those when you are just covering)

Try and remember that each experience will make you a better teacher for the next class you have. If you choose to learn from your experiences and to look for how you would do things differently the next go 'round, each sub job will be better than the last.

A Half-Day of 4th Grade

2009-09-16T13:55:00.000-04:00

Getting my feet wet as a teacher with a half-day of fourth grade worked out perfectly! I got to teach a science lesson from the Water unit I taught during my student teaching experience and a math lesson on parallelograms from the math curriculum I had used.

Funniest moment of the day: discussing quadrilaterals with a 4th grade boy. All squares are rhombuses, but rectangles are not rhombuses because their sides are not all the same length.

Scariest moment of the day: realizing that this school had a more complex line up procedure for lunch than I could ever have imagined. The buyers had V cards to swipe for their lunches in the cafeteria, the there were different lunch categories by which they had to be lined up and then the bringers followed them. Together we were to line up and then we had a specific place in line with the other 4th grades that we needed to be in. Fortunately, the kids knew the routine and I had a teacher down the hall to help me to understand the whole process in advance.

Most surprising moment of the day: we got a new student from TN! He showed up with his mom and the principal at our classroom door. Mrs. Boyd, the principal was great! She got him buddied up with another boy in the class who volunteerd to show him the ropes.

Lessons Learned:

Be prepared for the unexpected and be OK with it
The kids will help you with unfamiliar procedures
Other teachers will be there to support you
Make nice with the building secretary, smile big and BE FLEXIBLE

I had a great group of well-behaved kids.

First Day of Subbing....

2009-09-14T21:00:00.003-04:00

I decided to check Aesoponline last night and what did I spy with my little eye, but a special ed. aide job for today. After some debate on whether I should take it (do I want to be an "aide" vs. I really need the money and the exposure) I decided to JUST DO IT.

Right after I decided to do it, Jeff hollered downstairs that some cat had pooped in our bed and covered it up. He found it by laying in it. Good thing it was normal cat poopy and not any other sort. I ran upstairs and cleaned it up and Jeff stripped the bed.

Jeff immediately went on a tirade about it being Pixie's fault (our adopted cat of one year), except he reverted to calling her "that cat!" and talked about the cost effective way of putting her down (.22 to the head) promising that he would make for her a humaine end etc. He went on to describe how he'd never wanted her etc. and how she had been forced upon him.

I decided not to emotionally retaliate and to wait until I had laid out my clothes, and packed my lunch for my first day of subbing to make my move. Wait, it's not what you think!

When we were in fresh bedding and ready to fall asleep, I let him know ever so gently how I felt about him attacking our Pixie. I explained myself in such a way that was not disrespectful to my husband but also in a way that conveyed my sadness at his choice to disown my baby girl. (slap, slap!) That's the sound of me patting myself on the back for not instigating a fight with my spouse.

Flash forward to 4:30 a.m. this morning when I woke up with Hobbes marching all over and around us (in his usual, I'm awake-let's-play manner). I continue to shoo him away in my usual patient manner and THEN...I roll over and put my hand in wetness and I instinctively know, it's cat pee. WTF. It gets better.

This particular patch of wetness is on Jeff's pillow next to his head. There is another equally luscious and stinky patch of cat pee on our comforter in the gap between us. I am now fully awake, and feeling fully justified in assuming that it is HOBBES (my beloved male kitty, and Jeff's golden boy) that has done the dirty deed. I wake Jeff up. He can't put his contacts in for another hour. He is blind and sleepy.

Flash forward again. I have discovered not only the two patches of cat pee on our bed (remember this is the second time in less than 12 hours that we have changed the bedding)but I have also discovered poop on a pile of Jeff's clothes and another scattering of scat on the couch in the livingroom.

Jeff has now stripped the bed again and is now in the basement washing and refilling the cat litter boxes with fresh litter. I'm carrying the cat pee blankets, quilts and sheets down the stairs and beginning to wash them after cleaning up the cat pee, poo AND two newly puked piles of cat bile vomit that I have found in our bedroom- the ever popular place to spew bodily excrement if you're a cat. Yay teamwork!

Long story short, Jeff was able to get the cats appointments with the vet who determined that the problem is behavioral and not due to a physical problem. Wow. Did not see that coming.

Even after the craziness of the early morning I had a great first day in the classroom. I followed a 16-year-old, eighth grade girl with MR around for the day and had a great time. It was a positive experience and I would do it again with a given opportunity.

Yay for teaching! Boo for kitties misbehaving.

It's Back to School Time

2009-09-05T20:25:00.003-04:00

If you're a parent, you're preparing to send your child back to school or perhaps to school for the first time. If you're a teacher, you're preparing to face a new group or groups of children. Preparation.

Getting ready for what comes next. That's what we do if we don't want to feel like the guy who finds himself naked onstage with the task of giving a speach before an unsympathetic audience.

What are you getting prepared to do?

Livin' in La La Land

2009-07-31T15:26:00.003-04:00

Have you ever wanted to be 16 again? Have a do-over? What would you do differently? I think that as a 16 year-old I would like to have had more confidence, planned more things with friends (making a more concerted effort to socialize) and I probably would have tried out for a musical or two. Of course, my perception of my sense of self could be pretty warped, you know, hindsight and all of that.

These days, my fantasy land (or La La Land as I like to call it) involves little daydream vignettes where I am a different person, who can do anything she sets her mind to. I politely speak my mind, I have the ability to say "no" and I make household project lists and get things done. Have you met my alter-ego? She's awesome. She always has something witty to say, and knows what to say for every occasion. She's in a word...AMAZING.

Words to describe her: confident, balanced, articulate, intelligent, fun, friendly, loving, good, and oh, one last thing...employed...with a teaching contract. Yeah, that would be awesome.

Another Thing

2009-07-27T12:03:00.002-04:00

Another thing that precipitates a change in your circle of friends is a move. This move can take the form of a geographic relocation, a promotion at work, or even a transition from independent living to assisted living in a geriatric care facility.

Soon you're hanging out with new people on a regular basis and you find yourself in a place where you just aren't around the people with whom you normally socialize anymore.

I've got a relative who recently transitioned to assisted living, and she's on a new meal plan, sitting in assigned seating in a new dining room and her social outlet has been changed for her. She can't sit and eat with her group anymore, instead she's eating her meals with another person that doesn't say much of anything at all.

Relocating from one state to another you're newly challenged to find a church family, you have to get to know your neighbors, and make new friends inside and outside of work. If you have kids, you also have to help them adjust: find new childcare, get them enrolled in new schools and they have to make new friends. Oi Vey!

I know how a plant feels when it's been transplanted, shocked out of it's little mind.

Left Behind

2009-07-26T21:15:00.005-04:00

It's not just the name of a Christian best-seller. It also pertains to what your life looks like when you're the last one to....(fill in the blank).

When you're still:

...single. Everyone else gets a significant other, you stop getting to hang out with your friends because they're all double or triple dating and they forget you exist. You turn into that extra wheel, the spare that nobody really needs until they get that rare, flat tire.

...childless. Everyone else is off having playdates and getting together to talk about their kids and if you ever get an invite to attend you're stuck listening to all the moms kabitz about thier kids (because "that's where they are [in life] right now."

...unemployed. You have a mortgage, other bills and responsibilities but you still can't get a job, even after spending an obnoxious amount of money on your education. You know you are capable (being the hard-working individual that you are) and you know you should be gainfully employed (student loans are a b!tch), but you just can't catch a break, and you're NOT eligible for unemployment.

Circles of friends change and it can be painful when it happens, but it's a natural part of life. You can't control much in life, unless you have money, and even then you still can't control everything.

I was watching a 60 Minutes show tonight about Los Vegas hotel mogul, Steve Wynn and the man is loaded, but he's also going blind to a childhood disease called retinitis pigmentosa. No one has it perfect, but most of us have it less perfect than others. The powers that be always find a way to crap on your parade.

We can control our behavior and our actions. We can't control circumstances that are beyond us, like never being asked out on a date, or being barren, or not being able to find a job during a recession. These are just some of the circumstances that can bend, break and reshape your circles of friends. Don't be too surprised when it happens to you and don't be mad at your friends if they don't check in on you. They're too caught up in their own drama to notice. After all, it's not all about you, (Thanks Purpose Driven Life guy!).